Saying Goodbye to 2020

Happy 2021, friends! I truly can’t believe January is here already. I know many have said it, but 2020 felt like both the longest and shortest year of my life. The days felt long, but it also seems that not that much happened. (Well, we bought a house. I guess that’s sort of a big thing. LOL) But, all of the little in between things: work, date nights, get togethers, dinners out, hugs from friends and family, and so much more, were slowed down or put on hold. Like many of you, i’m sure, I feel tired of talking about 2020 and all of the jokes and negativity that come with it, but I also know that we will look back at this strange time, and i’ll be glad that I was reflective - that I left proof of what it really felt like to live through. I recently read through some of my thoughts from this day last year, and was so struck by how different my mindset was. Last winter, I was in a deep deep depression, struggling with anxiety and insomnia, and felt completely aimless. I felt that my life had no direction, and it was something that ate away at me every day. I vowed to make 2020 “a year off” for me. To stop pushing myself or trying to find clarity about my life’s purpose amidst some really messy emotional stuff. Looking back, that decision seems to make so much sense, but I remember during that time it felt like I was maybe giving up a bit.

I’m proud that I really did kind of take a sabbatical in 2020. As I wrote last year, I “did my work, paid my bills, and left it at that”. What I couldn’t have predicated at that time was that I would basically be forced to do that anyway! When the shutdowns began in March, I honestly was already sort of locked down. Winter is aways difficult for me as I suffer from seasonal affective disorder, but this year the depression was much worse than my usual seasonal dreariness. Honestly, I had spent a lot of months in our apartment, and a lot of that time in bed. I didn’t read much, I wasn’t really very productive. I felt incredibly guilty and lazy at the time but, looking back now, I think that allowing myself some time to grieve and heal was much needed.

Because I entered 2020 with the intention to release some of the heavy expectations for myself, it was so much easier to deal with everything happening around me. Weddings got cancelled, and it felt like a relief to have less work to do. Plans and commitments got cancelled, and it felt like a relief to spend more time at home. Mark could be at home with me all the time, and we got to spend a lot of sweet moments together, just the two of us, during our first year of marriage. I dont want any of this to sound ignorant, because what has happened is truly horrible, and was so much worse for so many others than me. I wont pretend that a worldwide pandemic didn’t create anxiety and financial difficulty and loneliness and sorrow for me and so many in my life. I just want to always remember that there was a bright side too. I missed my Mom dearly, and worried about bills and plans for the future, and mourned for all of those who lost someone. But, during all of the chaos and pain, I also managed to get through the worst depressive episode of my life, and get a much better handle of my anxiety, and I wonder if that would’ve been possible if I hadn’t had the time and space to “take a year off”.

A few days ago, I did a photo dump on Instagram of some of my favorite little “in-between” memories of 2020. It was so special to look back on the year and realize that so many of the best moments of the year, and of my life, are those “in-between” moments. This year gave me the opportunity to find stillness and balance, and an ability to appreciate those moments so much more.

There are so many of those moments and feelings from 2020 that I hope I never forget: the amusement of watching little Frankie grow, and the laughs he gives us carrying toys twice his size around the house; the anticipation of waiting for baby birds to hatch from their eggs on our front porch, and then the pleasure of seeing them grow and learn to fly; the peace found from evening walks around the neighborhood while noticing the houses and plants and streets as they change day by day; the joy of many many belly laughs with Mark at the end of a difficult day; the contentment of caring for plants day after day and to be able to watch them bloom - of getting your hands dirty in the mud; the love from a hug with our family after months of quarantining; the sweetness and relief of hearing the words “that’s my beautiful daughter” when my Mom woke up from her first seizure and was asked “who is this?”; the warmth of a cat purring on your chest; the pride of walking into your first home after receiving the keys; the excitement of planning exactly how to make your house a home; the exhaustion from a day of hard work, and the satisfaction of seeing something you built come to life before you; the wonder of finally loving yourself more every time you look in the mirror. These are moments that I never want to let go.

Though i’m hesitant to broadcast it too loudly, there is so much I am hopeful for in this new year. Honestly, though, if it is full of as many small beautiful moments, and if I can hold onto the ability to appreciate those things in the face of adversity, I know that it will still be a wonderful year of life, to be treasured and held dear. That is all I can hope for, and it is what I hope for you too.

A Very Merry Pandemic Christmas!

Hi friends - just wanted to pop in quickly today to say Merry Christmas! We’ve already had a day full of festivities yesterday, and today we are welcoming Mark’s parents to our house for a few days. Though this year is strange, and a lot smaller than it normally would be, I hope you’re able to hold some people you love close, and cherish some quality time together. Have a very merry day - and i’ll see you in the new year!

You Are Always With Me

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Eight years ago today - it was the last day of my winter semester. I dragged my feet heading home with my packed car because I knew that what awaited me was only a lot of sadness and pain. So I put on some of your favorite music and took a drive. When I finally walked through the door, Mom was ready to run out for a quick errand and I agreed to sit with you a while. I made my way up to my childhood bedroom - it had been transformed into a makeshift room for you, complete with hospital bed and oxygen tanks. The moment I walked in, I knew you were gone. You took your last breath on this Earth alone, amidst the in between, in the time it took for one person to walk down the stairs and one to walk up. When I realized, I sat down next to your body, in the rocking chair that you used to soothe me in as a baby. I didn’t scream or cry. I didn’t feel relief or overwhelming sadness right away. I just sat there for the time it took Mom to get home, trying to catch my breath, knowing that life would never be the same again. • I told Mark recently that what I felt most in the days after your death was anger - I was mad that everything kept going without you: the funeral came and went, the hospital bed and tanks went away, families celebrated Christmas, another semester started and then ended. Days and days have kept pounding on and they never stopped. I graduated college, met a man I love, got married. We bought a house with Mom, years have passed, and through it all, I’ve never really felt like I caught my breath. That’s the thing about grief: it has many waves and forms, but it never completely lets up. Life never goes back to what it was. But I see so much of you in others, and in the world, and in myself. And In that way, I know that you are always with me.

Year One: Reflections On Our First Year of Marriage

One year of marriage. It’s been a year we didn’t expect, that’s for sure. But, a year ago today, Mark and I were living out one of the best days of our lives. So much changed in our lives in this past year - we began living on lockdown and through a global pandemic, we went through ups and downs with work and finances because of said pandemic, we bought a house, and mostly we just spent a lot of time at home together loving each other and our little family. I went into marriage with little expectations. I knew that it would be hard, but that if it was right it would also be so worth it, and so far, that seems true. I’m not sure what I would’ve done without Mark this last year. Navigating such an anxiety-inducing world event would shake most people. Even though we were so lucky that a lot of aspects of our life didn’t change much, and we worried and struggled like most people. Having someone there for you to lean on during those moments is one of the immense benefits to marriage. We also learned this year that anxiety and events outside of our control can make our personal relationship more difficult. We both started therapy individually. We had lots of frustrating talks. But at the end of the year, I can say with pride that we used that frustration and struggle to make our relationship stronger. That’s the hard work, but i’m already learning that it’s so worth it.

Watching so much in our world fall apart, and having so much unknown only makes me stronger in my love, care, and respect for Mark. He’s such a calming presence when i’m weary. He’s hardworking and committed to the people he loves. He is the very best friend that i’ve ever had, and for that, I know we are truly lucky.

Happy Anniversary, babe. Here’s to about a million more.

We Bought A House!

I still can’t really believe i’m writing this but…big news: we bought a house! How crazy is that? We closed last week, and officially got the keys today. We began moving some small things in already, but will be doing all of the moving this weekend.

When this year began, I really did not believe we would be buying a house this year. Especially when the pandemic hit in March, it just felt like most things were going to be on hold this year. Then, in May, when my Mom had a seizure, our perspectives started to shift a bit. Soon after my Mom had gotten home and recovered, we began seriously discussing the idea of purchasing a home together. At first, I think we were all a little nervous about the idea - I mean, buying a house with a parent less than a year after your wedding is not the norm for most. After a lot of discussion though, we all three agreed that this would be a mutually beneficial and smart choice moving forward. It’s something that Mark and my Mom had always talked about doing down the road anyway. Mark and I have agreed that we want our parents to be close as they age and as we (hopefully) have children in the future. Our grandparents were a large part of our lives growing up, and we want nothing less for our children! With my Moms health, and the pandemic making everything more difficult, and so much uncertainty with my career currently, this step definitely feels like the right decision!

When we first began looking for homes a few months ago, a few things became apparent quickly. #1 Looking for a home in a pandemic was going to bring unexpected challenges. The market was very busy in our area, despite the circumstances, maybe even more so than in a non-pandemic time. #2 The layout of home that we needed for everyone’s privacy and so that we could all feel comfortable was going to be difficult to find, so we would have to be more flexible about other factors like price and area. #3 Buying a home is hard! Period.

Luckily, we hired such a great realtor who was able to help us every step of the way and teach us so much as we went along. We actually ended up working with Ian Nelson, who is someone I went to High School with! I knew from connecting with him on social media that he was a realtor, and he always seemed so friendly, knowledgable, and on top of things. He ended up being such a godsend, and even though we put in offers on four different houses, by the time we got to “our” house, we had experienced enough and learned enough from Ian to make and offer that would get us the house. And it worked! If you’re someone familiar with real estate, we ended up offering over asking a bit, waiving remedy, and offering an appraisal gap as well. The appraisal came back much lower than even asking though (this was the most stressful part, as the sellers could’ve chosen to back out of the deal at this point), so while we did end up paying the appraisal gap, we didn’t pay what we initially offered. The owners of the house were moving to a different state, and so were looking for buyers who could be flexible about move in date, and also were not looking to do a bunch of work. Our flexibility and creativity with our offer ended up working out for us and we were accepted the day after putting in our offer, beating our multiple other offers. My best advice for home buying is to find a realtor who is quick, dedicated, and willing to think out of the box. If you’re in the central Ohio area, I highly recommend Ian Nelson with EXP Realty.

Our new home is about 25 minutes outside of the city in a little suburb of Columbus. It’s a quiet, residential neighborhood with a winding, wooded entrance and communal pond. The house is three bedrooms, 2.5 baths with a huge two story great room, and lots of big windows and great light. There’s a loft are that we’re planning to make into a reading area and a huge basement with a finished room that has already been designated as Mark’s are for working, playing music, and watching movies. My Mom’s master bedroom is on the first floor with a walk in closet and bathroom. We have the entire second floor, and plenty of room and privacy. We’re planning on making a room on the first floor into a spare bedroom for guests, and the second bedroom on the second floor will be for my office and walk in closet! There’s a pretty big back yard with a patio, and a big beautiful front porch. The house was built around 2006, so it’s fairly new, but we still definitely have lots of projects in mind for making it “ours”.

I can’t wait to get moved in and to make this house a home. I get teary-eyed thinking about all of the wonderful memories we will make here - birthdays, holidays, dinner parties, and fires out back. Maybe in a few years the patter of little feet. I’ve already got so many ideas for DIYs, decor, and fun gatherings with our friends and families as soon as this pandemic is over!

I’m so thankful that you’re following along with my story, especially during big life moments like this. I’ll be sure to keep you updated here and on Instagram about our progress, and as always, will be honest about navigating life with my Mom and Mark - and making it all work under one roof!

You Are

This post was written in Spring of 2015, shortly after I graduated from college. It resonated with me today, and I hope it will with you too.

"You are nature. You are perfect, peaceful, and powerful. You don't need to become anything. Just remember who you are..."

This little note was written on a valentine that I received from a co-worker last month. She barely knows me, but she's also the sort of person blessed with an intuitive spirit. You know, that sort of person who you feel instantly naked in front of, who seems to be able to peek inside of your soul? She is a powerhouse of a woman, firm and fierce and ultimately comfortable in her own skin; and the moment that I met her, I knew she would change my life.

She probably has no idea. How could she possibly know that in this moment of my life's story I so desperately needed to hear those words?  She probably doesn't know that i've been carrying that scrap of paper around in my purse. Sometimes in my pocket. Everywhere that I go. That i've memorized every word. That I could recreate every inch of the intricate patterned heart that she drew out for me. How could she know?

Those words ring in my head all day long: I don't need to become anything? Wasn't that what all of this was about: becoming something, becoming somebody? 

I know now that her quote was altered a bit from one Vironika Tugaleva, a Ukranian author and spiritual philosopher. A cultivator of self-love and mental health and unleashing of inner potential. I like my co-workers' version better. It snakes around in her hand-drawn heart and ends up back at the beginning. "Just remember who you are...nature. You are perfect.". I'm starting to remember who I am. I am remembering that I am nature.

I don't feel natural lately. I think that I have art school to blame partly for that. I have myself partly to blame for it too, but it feels better to blame an institution. I spent three and a half years learning a lot of wonderful, life-affirming lessons; about the power of art and the artist and about what I could do with my hands and my mind and sometimes a black mechanical box called a camera. But I also learned about competition and comparison and greed and hunger and power. Art can give you power. It can make you feel powerless too.

I am only two months out of undergrad, but I can tell you this: the hard part about being an "artist" is not the being consistently broke, or the living with your mom, or the late nights, or the callouses, or the starting over when it's not quite right. The hard part is the power. When you don't have it. Sometimes when you do. I think that i'm learning the key: to place the power in your own creativity. It's tricky and I feel certain when I say that this is something most "artists" are never able to do. It's definitely not something that current, post-grad me can do.

Post-grad me feels crumpled. Clobbered by my complete loss of power. Laid low by rejection and fear and realization. But there are tiny cracks, a few moments in the last weeks, days, hours, where a bit of truth shines through. Where my creativity takes over and i'm able, for that short period of time, to take the control back; to have the power. I can feel it in brushstrokes, in the tune of a favorite song, in these words that I write to you.

I am so far from figuring it out. I know now deep down that I will never quite figure it all out.

I hope that I never fool myself into thinking that I do.

If you are reading this today and you feel powerless, or lost, here is my (admittedly late) valentine to you:

Just remember, you are (perfect, peaceful, powerful). You so are.

Our Honeymoon in Barbados

Today I really really wish that I was sitting on a beach sipping a strawberry daiquiri (instead of in gloomy Ohio), so I figured that it was a good time to finally recap our honeymoon in Barbados last October!

Mark and I left two days after our wedding - we headed to Miami first and then transferred to a flight to Barbados. The travel wasn’t too bad - if i’m remembering correctly it took us about seven or eight hours in all. We booked our honeymoon through Sandals - and stayed at the Sandals Royal Barbados. I’ll share more thoughts on staying at an all-inclusive resort like Sandals later in this post, but honestly - Barbados was so incredibly beautiful! Traveling there in October was perfect, and part of the reason we chose the country was because of an almost guarantee of good weather during that time of year there. We were met in the Barbados airport with free drinks, live music, and a sunny warm day. I will never forget the energy that the people of Barbados had, and how much of a warm welcome they gave us and all of the other travelers.

We arrived at the resort by bus, were immediately handed MORE drinks, and shown to our room. We decided to splurge a little on our room and got a ground floor level suite with a walk out pool - and man, am I so glad we did! The resort was really breathtaking - beautiful flowers and plants everywhere, and the layout was easy to navigate but also lended itself to a lot of privacy, which we really appreciated. One of our other reasons for choosing Barbados and was because we knew we wanted to try a Sandals resort, and in this country, there are basically two resorts in one: Sandals and Sandals Royal. Royal is a bit pricier, with larger and newer rooms that have a bit more privacy. The great part about the two being right next to each other is that you get twice the number of restaurants to eat at, and twice the amount of pools, beach space, activities, and events. Like I mentioned before, Sandals is an all-inclusive resort, which meant that all of our food, beverages - everything was included! We didn’t need to leave the resort and except for one snorkeling excursion, we didn’t!

Normally, Mark and I are not the type of people who want to stay on a resort the entire time when we’re traveling. If we are going to a new place, we want to experience the entire culture and not have a censored experience. However, after talking about it a bit, we knew that if we were going to travel immediately after our wedding, we were going to do it with relaxation in mind. We wanted it to be as stress free and fun as possible. Relieving the responsibilities on planning out days of activities and transportation and restaurants was such a great decision. Instead, we got to spend most of our time at the beach, in the pool, and could eat, drink, nap, and explore as we pleased.

Another key reason for splurging to upgrade our room was to have access to room service most of the time for no additional charge. If you are ever going to travel to Sandals location - I would highly suggest upgrading your room level so that you’re able to do that. There were also ever more expensive options to have a full time Butler, but we really didn’t feel a need for that. We did use the room service A LOT though, and that combined with our personal swim-up pool allowed us to spend a lot of time together alone, which was honestly so special, and an aspect of our honeymoon that I highly recommend to anyone. We also had a HUGE soaking tub on our patio, a table for outdoor dining, and in-pool lounge chairs. We definitely took advantage of all three - having breakfast on the patio via room service most mornings, reading and taking periodic dips throughout the days, and soaking in the tub in the evening. Honestly, i’ve never felt more bougie in my life, and I loved every minute of it.

The other place that we spent most of our time was at the swim up bar and pool located in the heart of the Royal Barbados complex. This pool was pretty quiet most of the time - there were always free chairs and space to stretch out, and the swim up bar was amazing! I think I drank my weight in strawberry daiquiris at this pool throughout the week. We also spent time at the beach, and took plenty of nice walks on the beach, but it was generally more crowded so we did spend a lot of time at pools as well.

Pretty much everywhere you looked on the property was gorgeous. I had so much fun photographing the beautiful tropical flowers and plants that we saw. It was just such a peaceful experience, and felt like we were on a totally different planet at times!

One of the most memorable experiences of our whole trip was our boat excursion. For about $100 USD per person we got to have a day of sailing, eating a traditional Barbados meal, and snorkeling with sea turtles and among shipwrecks. Snorkeling with sea turtles has been on my bucket list for years and it did not disappoint! The boat that we ended up on that day had three other couples - so only eight people in all. It ended up being super fun because the other couples were one other recently married couple (the were married the same day as us!), and two couples who had been married for years and years, celebrating their anniversary in Barbados. We all got along really well and enjoyed time together talking about our recent weddings, and getting advice from the older couples about making a marriage work. The captain and his first mate made us a meal themselves on the boat that we super delicious. We had limitless drinks and it was truly one of the best days of my life - spending the day sipping drinks on the boat and then snorkeling was just the right combination of exciting and relaxing!

Back at the resort, we spent most of our days taking it really slow - drinking and reading and swimming. Most nights though, we got dressed up and went to one of the many restaurants available to us at the resort. The food wasn’t earth-shattering or anything, but we didn’t have a bad meal, and there was a lot of variety to choose from! A few of the fancier places we made reservations at in advance (which was easier to do the higher your level of room) and the rest of the evenings we had no problem getting into some of the more casual restaurants. We ate at an Italian-themed place, a seafood restaurant, an English-style pub, Caribbean jerk chicken, and got pizza to take to our room one night too. My favorite place that we ate was the rooftop French bistro - it overlooked the ocean and was a perfect romantic dinner to end our last evening in Barbados.

There were so many restaurants on the resort that we didn’t get to try, namely the steakhouse that we couldn’t get reservations for. There was also an Indian place, a Japanese steakhouse, and much more. Every restaurant offered customized drinks, and three course meals. We most definitely did not go hungry while there. We also got to do some really fun activities when wanted: there was a bowling alley that we had a fun evening at, and Mark also taught me to play pool, which we ended up doing most nights to wind down our evenings. We even got to try jet-skiing on the ocean on day, which was terrifying was lots of fun. Not sure i’d do that on the ocean’s choppy waves again, but i’m glad we tried it out! We did notice that a lot of couples at the resort were there with friends, which I think would be super fun if you were taking a group vacation with only adults! For our honeymoon though, it was nice to have so much to do when we wanted to get out, but a lot of time for just the two of us as well!

Our Honeymoon ended up being the perfect relaxing week we had hoped and planned for. I’m not sure if we will take another vacation to an all-inclusive resort any time soon, but it was a great decision for this trip! It’s a time in my life i’ll never forget and I truly feel so lucky to have been able to take a luxurious trip like this right after having our dream wedding. We were so thankful to the Barbadian people for welcoming us so warmly into their country and allowing us to have such a relaxing and memorable experience! I hope you enjoyed re-living this trip with me through photos - especially these very cheesy ones that I made Mark take with me on the beach our last night. What a handsome guy my husband is!

Our Wedding - The Reception

As a way to finish out my series recapping our wedding day, I wanted to share a bit about our reception! A lot of the little details of planning went to this portion of the day, and it really turned out better than I ever could’ve imagined! It was the perfect way to end our special day.

Directly after our Ceremony, our guests were ushered to a cocktail hour on the back patio while we finished up taking photos and video. You will notice that some of the photos here are in the ballroom - I chose to include our pre-Ceremony cocktail hour photos here as well, mostly because it made the most sense. As guests arrived, they were greeted with champagne and music by the Bexley String Quarter, who played in the loft of the ballroom. We really wanted our guests to have time to have a drink and say hello to friends and family before beginning our Ceremony! At the post-Ceremony cocktail hour, they were able to enjoy our signature cocktails: French Seventy-Seven and a Gin and Tonic (our favorite drinks). This was also the time where they could view our seating chart - which we made ourselves (Mark crafted the pedestal, and I designed the banner), sign the guests book which was comprised of vintage Ohio postcards, and view our memory table, where we honored all of our family members who have passed and couldn’t be with us that day.

After the cocktail hour, guests found their seats in the sunroom. The table decor turned out beautifully, with florals and candlesticks from State & Arrow, glassware and silverware from Event Source Rentals, Menus custom made and printed by me, and to top it all off, beautiful hand-lettered name cards by Calligraphy by Keri.

Our sweetheart table for dinner was truly one of my favorite details of our wedding day. The gorgeous florals, candlesticks, and rented chairs from Lost and Found Vintage Rentals. One of my favorite touches were some special gold filigreed champagne glasses (from Anthropologie) and gold vintage goblets (from a vintage Etsy shop) that we used for drinks for the night for the two of us. We were able to keep those glasses, and I love seeing them on our bar cart every day, as a simple little reminder of our wedding. I also made a banner to hang above our sweetheart table, where we got to utilize the beautiful crest that my Maid of Honor, Hannah, designed for our invitation suite. I hope that we can find somewhere special to hang this banner in our future home!

During dinner, guests could also pick up their favors from our custom build board. We ordered these amazing vintage-inspired keychains imprinted with a quote from one of our readings. We really wanted to prioritize a favor that was fun, practical, and didn’t have our names or wedding date on them - so that they could be a reminder in people’s lives of our day and our love for them, without being too obvious that it was a wedding favor.

After dinner, my Mom and our bridesmaids and groomsmen gave Speeches, and we cried a whole lot! The words spoken by our best people that day are something that I will always hold close to me. We then entered an adjoining room to cut the cake that was so beautifully made by Miam Cakes. I adore her work, especially the sculpted flowers - plus, it was absolutely delicious! Atop our cake, sat two little golden vintage birds that we found at a flea market together. You might also notice those birds throughout our day - namely in our beautiful illustrated crest!

After cutting the cake, we headed to the ballroom for our first dance. Mark and I chose “Love Me Tender” by Elvis for our first dance. We have lots of songs that we’ve loved throughout our relationship together, but the simplicity and timelessness of “Love Me Tender” was what we decided we wanted to remember our day by.

Then - it was time to party! I bought some gold streamer cannons from amazon, and without me knowing, our planner had a couple of our guests poised to shoot the canons off directly after our dances, and it was one of the most fun moments of the evening - especially because most of us didn’t know it was coming! By the end of the evening, our cardboard cutout cat heads came out - this was our little symbolic way of having our kitties with us on our day.

In the ballroom, throughout the dancing and fun hung my favorite banner of the day, that read: “Love is the Ultimate Outlaw” - again from the Tom Robbins excerpt read at our Ceremony. This is another piece that I hope to have in our home someday!

About half an hour before our event ended, Mark and I said our goodbyes and headed to the rented vintage convertible that we rented as a getaway car. As we drove to the hotel, we were able to put the roof down and were so amazed at how clear the night sky full of stars was. We got to drive through the Ohio countryside, and soak in that moment, and chat about how wonderful our day had been. It’s something i’ll never have a photo or video of, but it was the perfect way to end the day, and is a memory I will cherish forever.

I’ve shared a lot of my thoughts on our wedding day, but overall, I just truly feel so blessed to have had such a dream of a day come to fruition. I know that I put in a lot of hard work and thought to our day, but so did so many others, and for that, I will be forever grateful. It wasn’t a “perfect” day by any means, but to me, it was perfect in its imperfections. Beyond all of the details and the pretty photos, it was a celebration of a relationship and a love that I wasn’t sure I would ever find. Being surrounded by the people I love most in the world, and basking in the joy of becoming a wife to my favorite person i’ve ever met is a feeling that I hope I never, ever forget.

Thanks for sticking around for all of these posts. If you’ve made it this far - please let me know what your favorite part of the day that I shared was! As always: feel free to reach out if you’re planning a wedding or have any questions for me!

Our Wedding - The Photos

Beautiful photos by Photography Anthology

Next up in my wedding recap series, I wanted to share with you some of our more formal photos from the day. We took most of our photos directly after our Ceremony, as Mark and I were really set on not seeing each other until we walked down the aisle. One of the most fun parts of our day was coming around the front of the venue after our Ceremony to this gorgeous rental getaway convertible. We were able to take some photos with it - the perfect vintage prop - but we also used it as a getaway car to the hotel at the end of the night. Mark and I both agree that driving through the countryside that night with the top down and a million stars gleaming was the most amazing way to end the day!

We also took some formal family and friend photos in front of our Ceremony site during this time too. I’m so pleased that the weather cooperated and that we were able to do all of this outside that day. I just love the background of the tree and flowers in these photos and the beautiful leaves on the ground!

Mark and his groomsmen took photos separately before the Ceremony. How handsome does Mark look in his green velvet tux against this crazy orange tree! These are some of my favorite photos of the day!

My bridesmaids and I did the same before the Ceremony - Mark was sequestered to his get-ready room and we roamed the mansion to get some photos. I am so pleased that we took a moment to get a photo of me in front of this huge beautiful window in the ballroom.

At the end of our photo-taking, Mark and I got to spend some time just the two of us. The light was so great, the air was crisp, and I wont lie: I cried a bit while we were walking around taking these photos - mostly because I just felt so much joy in that moment!

Our photographer and videographer did such an amazing job, not just with the two of us, but the entire day. I can’t wait to get our full wedding film back to share with you all!

After our photo and video session, we headed into our Reception to party with all of our people. A recap on that coming soon!

Our Wedding - The Details

Flowers via State & Arrow / Chair Via Lost & Found Vintage Rentals / Veil - Custom Made

Well, friends, the wedding is over. The cookies have been eaten eaten, the sentimental bits are stored away, the photos are back, and we are (almost) recovered from our honeymoon, so today I wanted to begin a series recapping our amazing day beginning with the details of course! I’m most definitely biased because i’m the one who picked out most of these details, but I felt like all of the thought and effort that went into really added something special to our day. We didn’t just buy accessories or decor to have it, but we worked hard to carefully chose items that we wanted to have in our lives, forever.

I am so so in love with my wedding dress! To the point that I feel a bit sad I wont ever get to wear it again. I told Mark the other day that I might just have to put it on now and again for fun. Though it turned out to be everything I wanted, the journey to get to this dress was a little stressful. Believe it or not - many wedding dress shops do not have very many plus size dresses in store to try on. I went to a few - but they just didn’t have exactly what I wanted. I tried my best to keep an open mind though- and I did try on a lot of beautiful dresses, but I kept going back to a dress I had pinned right after we got engaged. It had blush undertones and a beautiful 3D floral applique detail and romantic off the shoulder “sleeves”. I kept thinking about this dress that I just decided to see if I could track it down within driving distance. I found the designer, and a shop that carried his line in store about an hour and a half away from me. The only catch was that they didn’t keep this particular style in store. So - my Mom and I made the drive down, the shopkeeper took my measurements, I tried on a few similar dresses by the designer, and long story short: I ordered my dress without ever trying it on. Talk about stressful! But - it was the best decision ever! It fit so well and only needed a few small alterations. When it comes to wedding dresses, people have a lot of opinions but here’s mine: just trust your gut. Sometimes you know even from just a photo or two!

One of the most enjoyable parts of wedding planning for me was choosing my day of accessories. I really kind of went all out - but I did a lot of research. I made a mood board with ALL my dress and all of my details on it before I ordered any of it, just to ensure I liked it all together. The only item that I wasn’t sure about was my garter - so the week before, I chose to add some gold embellished pieces that I took from a hair piece i’d decided not to wear - and it ended up being one of my favorite accessories!

We knew early on that we wanted to share personal vows during our Ceremony, but I went back and forth over whether or not having vow books would be worth the cost. I am SO HAPPY that we chose to add this small detail, because not only were they so special to have on the day of, but now they are one of the keepsakes I will treasure forever. To have our vows to each other written in our own handwriting is really so, so special. We also love the flasks we got for our wedding and use those from time to time as well. I wanted to get a little gift pre-wedding for Mark to add a little bit of spice to his outfit, and these beautiful vintage French cufflinks were just the right thing!

I knew that I was going to need some flat shoes for our Reception - and boy am I glad that I had some! I actually changed out of my heels directly after the Ceremony because my feet were going numb. That’s what I get for not breaking in my shoes before the wedding! I also wanted to make sure that I had a jacket because in October in Ohio, its likely to get chilly in the evening. It was so nice to have this as an option, and we got some pretty cute photos with it at the end of the evening too! To make the jacket - I just found something that I thought would fit our color scheme/theme and purchased a customized iron on patch from an Etsy shop! The patch didn’t stay on very well after the wedding, but I still have the jacket- and all of the photos to remember how special it was!

Last but not least is a detail that I didn’t pick out at all, but that was one of my very favorite parts of my day! My Mom gave me this beautiful locket at my first bridal shower with photos of my late Father and Grandmother - so that they could be with me all day. We chose to add it, along with a ring of my Dads, to my beautiful bouquet.

There are plenty more photos and details to come soon! I hope that this post helped inspire you if you’re currently planning a wedding. At the end of the day, it’s really not about any of the “stuff” but picking out details you love sure can add some sentimental value to your day!

Just Listen

“A long long time ago…

I can still remember

How that music used to make me smile.

And I knew if I had my chance

That I could make those people dance

And, maybe, they’d be happy for a while…”

When I was a small girl, I believed wholeheartedly that I would one day grow up to be a singer. This is the only thing I can remember ever dreaming of; not of being a wife or a mother, an nurse, or a teacher. Not even of being famous. I just wanted to sing. Childhood dreams don't often pan out though , and these days I only give private concerts for one inside my car. Music is sacred to me. The realization that I wanted to keep that to myself was one of the first hard and fast lessons of my adolescence. 

I still get the questions, and each time it will breaks my heart– are you still singing? why didn’t you pursue it? How do people expect me to answer questions like that? I want to tell them to mind their own business.

The truth is, music does something for me that nothing else in life can do. It connects me to moments gone and people that i've lost. I can close my eyes and just listen:

“Did you write the book of love,

And do you have faith in God above,

If the Bible tells you so?

Do you believe in rock ‘n roll,

Can music save your mortal soul,

And can you teach me how to dance real slow…”

I’m on my way to work, i’m listening to the oldies station, and Don McClean comes on the radio.

It takes me instantly to the back seat of a purple mini-van, hip to hip with my childhood best friend, the first person outside of my family that I ever loved. We know every third word, but man do we love crooning along. Our other favorite song to sing is My Heart Will Go On by Celine Dion. My mouth is sticky sweet. Our tongues and lips and teeth are stained dark blue. Her smile is a mile wide. That smile used to light up my life. I haven’t seen it in a long, long time.

I didn’t know until recently that Don McClean’s song American Pie is actually about Buddy Holly; about his death, and the subsequent supposed death of music. There are websites where you can find each line analyzed, and it really makes a lot more sense that way. The Beatles and Janis Joplin and Mick Jagger all make appearances. Don McClean loved good music. It was sacred to him the way it’s sacred to me. Who would’ve known.

“Well I know that you’re in love with him

‘Cause I saw you dancin’ in the gym

You both kicked off your shoes

Man I dig those rhythm and blues…”

It takes me now to a smokey wood shop, a glorified shed really, filled to the brim with walnut and cherry. There are safety goggles and many many Marlboros and the incessant sound of a table saw. There’s a radio older than me in the corner and when this song comes on, it’s turned up as loud as it will go. We’re singing loudly now, our lungs fill up with air and sawdust on the off beats. I still don’t know all of the words, but that doesn’t matter. I tap my foot just like him on the blue floorboards.

“But I knew I was out of luck

the day the music died”

Like most people, I find it really hard to talk about cancer.

I know cancer well. I’ve heard a lot about it a lot and learned a bit about it and watched people I love suffer through it. Yet, I still don’t know what to say to other people about it. I still don’t know what the right thing is to say to someone with cancer. What’s worse is that I still don’t know what to tell myself about it. I’m not sure how much I’m allowed to talk about it, or when it’s appropriate to bring it up, and whenever new people come into my life, its always in the back of my mind, anxious thoughts about when and how and if they’ll find out.

True, we are all able to talk about cancer in particular terms. We can define it medically. We can quantify it in percentages. We can discuss death rates and grasp at timelines. We can diagnose until we run out of breath. But can we really talk about cancer?

The last month I’ve woken up every day and pinched myself. The diagnosis and the doctor’s visits and the chemotherapy. I can’t believe any of it, but I take every day as it comes; with anger and confusion and pain and doubt: Am I still doing this wrong? Are we, as a family, still doing this wrong? We cant control cancer, we've learned that much, but I have to think that maybe  we're not very good at talking about cancer. About the things that matter. I’m not very good at saying the things I need to say.

“And in the streets: the children screamed,

The lovers cried, and the poets dreamed.

But not a word was spoken;

The church bells all were broken.

And the three men I admire most:

The father, son, and the holy ghost,

They caught the last train for the coast

The day the music died…”

It takes me to my hometown, on the street, right in front of Town Hall, where Waterloo and High intersect. Dusk is upon the crowd and late summer is settling into all of our bones. The music blares over loud speakers, and the air smells sweet and fried. It’s my favorite three days of the year. I am eating infinite amounts of food on sticks, and beating my mom at skeeball and dancing in the streets with a crown on my head. My daddy picks me up in his arms because the song is ending now. He has on his straw hat and his Stetson original cologne and while we rock back and forth, he whispers the words in my tiny ear:

“And they were singing,

bye-bye, Miss American Pie.

Drove my chevy to the levee,

But the levee was dry.

And them good old boys were drinkin’ whiskey and rye

Singin’, this’ll be the day that I die.

this’ll be the day that I die….”

I will always have regret, things left unsaid. I will always wish that I’d given those I’ve lost experiences or songs or days that I cannot. And I wonder if other families, if even my own family, feel like they need a lesson in this too? A lesson in talking?

I think that maybe it goes a little like this:

“I love you.”

“I’m sorry this is happening.”

“I will keep you in my heart always.”

I think it’s about making memories while you can, and also letting them be alone when they want to be. I think it’s a little bit different for everyone. For me it’s about listening to music. About reaching backwards in time through a song. So, I’ll ask him what song he wants to listen to today, and instead of talking, we’ll just listen:

“And them good old boys were drinkin’ whiskey and rye

Singing’, this’ll be the day that I die…”

*This piece was originally posted on my previous blog, Bloomuhble, in June of 2015.

Hello 2020

The past decade brought a lot of happiness and accomplishment and growth, but also, of course, a lot of difficult times. I’m feeling ready to leave 2019 in the past. I’m ready to leave the painful parts of the last 10 years behind me. I know it’s so cliche but I love the new year. I love fresh starts. I feel excited and hopeful to start a new decade with my husband (!!!) and to reset. I’ve been thinking a lot about the past 10 years and realized that a lot of it has been struggle. Jumping from one thing to another to another to try figure out my place in the world or to move up some metaphoric ladder - to make more money or accomplish the next big goal or establish myself in some way. Ive declared for myself that in 2020 I’m going to be a “taking a year off”. I guess kind of like a sabbatical. I’m going to take time to just be a human being. To do the things I enjoy doing just because I enjoy doing them. To do my work and pay my bills and leave it at that. To stop worrying about goals and more about figuring some things out for myself. To try to figure out what happiness is beyond lifelong to do lists and constant comparison and achievement. Making this decision was the most freeing thing I’ve done for myself, maybe ever. I’m excited to see what “taking a year off” will bring and I feel hopeful for the first time in a long time. ✨ I hope that the new year brings you happiness and growth and all of the best things that life can bring. I hope we all have the courage to make the changes in ourselves to help make our lives and the world a little bit brighter.

Our Wedding Film

Loooong time, no talk, huh? Things have been so busy since our wedding, that I haven’t really had time to post much here, but i’m excited to being sharing all about our day here. Mark and I recently got our full wedding films back, so I wanted to start by sharing that with you today. As a wedding filmmaker myself, I had really high expectations for our film. Well, Evan at Livemore Weddings knocked it completely out of the park. We loved our sneak peak so much, so I knew that this video would be killer too, but it still ended up being beyond any expectations. We’ve watched the film multiple times already, and i’m still pinching myself that THIS IS MY WEDDING! Truly, a huge thanks to Evan - what a beautiful keepsake he has created for us to treasure the rest of our lives. I hope you enjoy viewing the film, and if you’re looking for a videographer, be sure to check out Evan’s other work.

We’re Married!

Wow friends - i’m a wife! I still can’t believe it! Yesterday I got married to the most amazing man, and it turned out to be better than I ever could’ve imagined. It was truly a whirlwind though - more so than I could’ve ever anticipated. It went by so quickly. Anyway, I wanted to check in here quickly, if only just to remember how I felt right after getting married. I ditched my phone all day yesterday, but our wedding planner Leda was kind enough to share some wonderful photos and video on Instagram (follow her @eventshelddear) so i’m excited to share a sneak peak. ALSO, we ALREADY got a peek from our videographer (Livemore Weddings) and I wanted to share that with you two. This video had Mark and I in tears. It’s everything we could’ve ever wanted, and we are so excited to see the full thing!

Anyway - i’d better go because I have so much to do before we leave for Barbados tomorrow. There’s leftover food and alcohol all over our apartment, and I haven’t packed a thing! Oops!

A New Friend: Meet Frankie!

Hi there - just checking in with a quick post to introduce you to someone new! Meet Frankie: the newest furry addition to our little family! You’re probably saying to yourself: “wait, were they planning to get another cat a month before their wedding?” and the answer is: of course not! We’ve been so stressed getting things ready for the wedding so we decided to have a little date night and well one thing led to another and we came home with a cat. Isn’t that a normal date night for you???

Anyway, we love our little Frank already, and can’t wait to watch him grow. So far he is super playful, super cuddly, and a bit gassy - but his cute little face makes up for every time he farts on me in bed. I’m already nervous to leave him next month when we go on our honeymoon, but I know Henry and Penny (and our cat-sitter) will take great care of him!

Speaking of Henry and Penny - if you’re wondering how they’re holding up with the new addition, I think that these photos really say it all.

I’m just kidding of course! They’re already coming around to him…

A Day at the Fair

Mark and I have been making an effort lately to take days off - from work, wedding planning, housework, all of it. Just a day every now and again to not talk or think about any of those things - to just be together and have FUN. Today we spent our day off at the Ohio State Fair, and it was really the most fun i’ve had in a long time. We ate corndogs and fries, went down the giant slide, saw the parade, and took in all of the sites and smells. We even saw a bunch of cute animals getting ready to be shown for 4H and the butter sculpture. We ended the day with the best fair treat there is - deep fried cookie dough. It was a great day, and one I never want to forget, so here are some fun photos to remember it by.

For Mom

There’s really not a gift in the world that I could give that would express the love and gratitude that I have for my Mom, but this year I sure tried. Recently i’ve been going through old family films and converting them to files that can be securely saved for years to come. As I was watching each one, I was struck by how much love you could feel from my Mom - at basically every stage of my life. Whether she was helping me as a baby, playing with me as a toddler, or cheering for me as a preteen - she was always, always there. It seemed like the perfect opportunity to compile some of our best memories into a short film - hopefully it encompasses even a fraction of the love I feel for her! My mom, my very best friend! Happy Mother’s Day, Mom!

Five Years

Yesterday, Mark and I celebrated our five year anniversary! The day also marked six months exactly until our wedding, and was the last time we’ll ever celebrate April 19 as our “anniversary” - how crazy is that?!

This last year has been a whirlwind. We went to the Grand Canyon and we got engaged!!! I quit my job, started freelancing full time, and we spent a year filming weddings together. We started planning our own wedding, and learned that weddings are hella expensive. We took lots of little fun day trips and started being a bit better about budgeting. We laughed at a lot of memes and sang loudly in the car on drives in the country and spent many nights in snuggling with Henry and Penny. We had some hard times too - Mark was laid off for about a month and I had some tough things happen with my business. I also struggled majorly with my anxiety this year and we both had to navigate that in different ways. There were a lot of uncertain days and our fair share of tears but we also laughed and loved through all of it.

Every year, I look back and am always amazed at how much we’ve grown in our relationship. This year is no exception. We’ve forced ourselves to have some hard conversations about marriage, and both worked really hard on some of our personal shortcomings in an effort to make our relationship more successful. We started communicating in more productive ways. I’m really proud of the work we’ve done, and continue to do every single day. We’re nowhere near perfect, but the strides we’ve made together in the last year make me so confident in our decision to commit to each other in such a big way.

We celebrated our anniversary with a simple evening. Mark made us reservations at Milestone 229, hoping we could get a table on the patio and look our over the Scioto Mile. Unfortunately it rained all day, which put a damper on that plan - but we still had an amazing dinner and a great time. We also splurged and got two desserts and I accidentally ordered a piece of cake as big as my head! We spent dinner talking about wedding plans and future home plans and about the past five years. We both agreed that it feels both like been together forever, and that time has also flown by! Funny how that works.

I love Mark so much. When so many other things in life seem so confusing, he’s such a comforting spirit to come home to every single day. I feel incredibly lucky to call him mine, and to celebrate another year together. Here’s to many, many more.

Read: Severence by Ling Ma

Severance by Ling Ma is the first book that I finished this year! I picked it up because I generally love anything sci-fi, and the genre-defying combination of apocalyptic zombies and office drama was intriguing. It was a quick read, and I enjoyed getting to know Candace Chen. Her inner turmoil about the death of her immigrant parents, her seeming lack of direction in life contrasted with her extreme inherent work ethic, and her deteriorating romantic life feel all encompassing even in the face of a rapidly spreading epidemic called Shen Fever. New York City, and the rest of the world, quickly falls into disarray. Those effected, the “fevered” aren’t zombies in the traditional sense, but instead continue to live out their daily tasks and routines as they mindlessly waste away. Ma forces readers to confront the realities of mass consumerism, how truly connected we are globally, and how Americans love to feel removed from the consequences of capitalism. I enjoyed this book: the writing was eloquent, and the authors intentions were clear, but I have to admit that the ending left a lot to be desired, and overall the story didn’t feel well thought out. Still worth a read if you want to feel even more distressed about the state of humanity than you probably already are (#jk#sorta). But really, it truly is a book with a lot of heart that I think is worth the read!

Let the Sun Shine In

Outfit details: Skirt//Joanie Clothing Top//Target Jean Jacket//Old Navy Earrings//Target Slides//Old, Similar

“You’d be so pretty if you weren’t so fat.” The first person to ever say that to me was a cute boy that I had a big crush on who sat with me in the back of the school bus every day. He was beautiful and I was a shy middle schooler who dreamt of being a famous singer. I don't remember much from my life at that time, but I do remember my embarrassment mixed with confusion and that the only response I could think of for his insult was “thank you.” I remember going home that day, crying into my pillow, and then looking at myself in the mirror. I wondered - if he thinks I could be pretty, then at least there's hope, right?

That was just the first time in my life that something like that has been said to me. It wouldn't be the last. So many times in my life people have told me something along those lines, though maybe in a less crude way. At some point it began to be something I said to myself. That mindset has effected every aspect of my life. My relationships, my career, my clothing choices, even the way I treat my body. I couldn't look in the mirror without feeling disgust. I eventually avoided looking at myself if I happened to pass a mirror throughout my day. I hate having my photo taken, and avoided it at any and all cost. I have so few photos of myself and my boyfriend from the first few years of our life together, and that's why. Thinking about that makes me so sad.

At some point, I knew that it was enough. Something needed to change. I started taking small steps towards understanding, looking at, and loving myself and my body in new ways. Accepting and loving myself has been a long road, and my journey is nowhere near done, but I am finally starting to feel content and confident in my own skin. I feel fearless in so many aspects of my life. I am running my own business and growing as a filmmaker. I feel happy and fulfilled in my personal relationships, and am working to grow new friendships. I wear outfits that I like and I feel good in. I see photos of myself and I like them. And now, I share them!

Throughout college, I tried a few times to begin blogs and share my outfits. Most of those ended up failing, because I would hate every single photo of myself. I never felt comfortable in clothes if they felt like a risk, and I was so worried about receiving negative feedback, that it never lasted for long. I don't consider myself a highly fashionable person, and don't plan on becoming some sort of "fashion blogger" any time soon, but I do think it would be fun to share some of my outfits here. I want to work to perpetuate the idea that taking risks and wearing clothes that make you FEEL good is for any person of any size! I think that a quote from my favorite poet, Mary Oliver, really sums it up: "Love yourself, then forget it, then love the world." 

I loved this little outfit that I put together this past weekend for a birthday dinner for my Mark. I had him snap some photos for me around our apartment and I, of course, took a few of him too. Our guy Henry ran out the door when we left, so we got some photos with him too. I love them both so much. It fills up my heart to know I have these photos!

I hope these photos of myself and my boys always remind me of the beauty of the first really nice day of spring.The first day where you cant help by take your shoes off and run your feet over the grass. The first day where you really notice the birds singing outside your window in the morning. When opening the window makes it a little bit chilly in the house, but you do it anyway. You light a candle and turn the music up and let the fresh air make you feel alive.

Happy Spring friends. I hope you have the courage to wear something that makes you feel free, and let the sun shine in.