Our Budget Kitchen Remodel
Hi friends! It has been a HOT MINUTE since i’ve posted here but i’m so excited to be back today with a post that I am so excited to share with you! Since we moved into our house in August of 2020, we’ve been putting in the hard work (sweat and blood for sure) to renovate our home. I’m so proud to say that we’ve done the majority of the work ourselves, and with each project our home is feeling more and more like “us”.
If you’re not familiar with our home buying story, we began looking during the pandemic because of a really unexpected set of circumstances. In May of 2020, my Mom had a very unprecedented seizure which left her with some health issues and difficult lifestyle changes. She was unable to drive on doctors orders, and our whole family felt very nervous to leave her alone in case of another seizure. There was so much uncertainty at that time, and so after that event, we took what had been very casual conversations about possible multigenerational living far in the future and put our plan into action. After a whirlwind month of looking, we found our ‘90s standard builder grade home in a suburb of Columbus. Our initial plan when thinking of years into the future was to build a custom home, but due to time and budget restrictions, we needed to find something already standing, and prioritized finding a home within our budget that would still afford us the room and privacy that we felt was needed. If you’ve ever bought a house, you know that you have to prioritize needs and wants (especially with a first home), and for us, we knew that some of the things we didn’t love about the home as-is were renovations we could do as we lived in the home.
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At the one year mark in our home, we had already done so much work. The second floor was basically transformed, as was most of the main living space. The kitchen was one area that we hadn’t touched much, even though we knew eventually we would. I’m so glad that we got a lot of experience under our belts before tackling the kitchen, as it was definitely the most involved and largest monetary investment we’ve made into our home so far (well, except for our new AC and heating unit last summer - that was a fun surprise)! Going into it, I had a vision of a brighter, airy space with plenty of color and texture as well. I wanted it to be super functional and to utilize our space better, but also feel like it had a bit more personality than your standard builder-grade kitchen. I was also obsessing over a lot of green kitchens i’d been seeing, and as it’s my Mom’s favorite color, I felt that would be a fun risk to take when designing the space. After some dreaming and sourcing, here is the mood board that I came up with:
We had a budget of about $2000 for this renovation, so we knew that things would be tight. When allocating money, we prioritized new countertops, as the old ones were honestly awful, and we knew there wasn’t an easy fix. The cabinets were still in great shape, so painting those instead of investing in new cabinetry saved us so much money. This is one of those spaces in your home where paint and a lot of elbow grease can save you some major $$$ while still giving a drastic change. Like I mentioned above, I knew that I wanted to try out a green for the cabinets, so that color was one of our first choices. After much deliberation we went with Sherwin Williams “softened green”. Once the cabinet color was solidified, it made our countertop decision so much easier. In a future home I would love to do a beautiful marble, but for our budget, butcher block felt like a really great option. We looked around at finished and price points, and found an amazing option at IKEA - the Möllekulla. It’s actually is a veneer, which gives you affordability, durability, but the charm of real wood all in one. We chose the oak color!
After those two choices, it was more about details. I found a cage-like light at World Market that I fell in love with. We bought two and set about to figuring out how to hang two lights where there was only one outlet. The wiring wasn’t the issues, just the placement, so we tried two hooks on each side of the connections, holding the lamps, but it was too busy for us. We then considered a rectangular canopy bit couldn’t find anything the right size. We ended up making our own canopy-like box out of wood and hides wires and painted white it sort of disappears into the ceiling! I love the lights we chose and am so happy that we were able to make my dream of two lights over the island work! We also picked out a simple black and glass light to replace the horrible book light over the sink. I love the modern simplicity and that the matte black mirrors the hardware on our cabinets. I wanted something that doesn’t pull too much focus from the cage lights, so i’m glad that this light does just that
Next up was our sink and man - this was the hardest part of the reno! Not only because our first sink was damaged in shipment, and our second took forever to get to us, but also because it weighed so much! Mark was so nervous about cutting out the countertops for the new sink - but after half a day of measuring he did it almost perfectly! We had to build a support for the sink to sit on, and reconfigure some of the plumbing, but it ended up working out well. Mark also installed our new matte black faucet! I got a great deal on one at Wayfair, and though we were worried about how huge it was in person, we think the size compliments the sink well. It was a hard part of the process, but our sink and faucet are truly my favorite part of our new kitchen! It’s so nice to have a huge apron front sink to was even our largest pots in and I can’t believe that I was able to score both pieces for around $500!
After our sink install, it was time for backsplash. We splurged on tile a little, and chose a ceramic bedrosian subway tile. I wanted something subtle, but loved that it was highly textured and had some variation in the cream color. Its made in Spain, and each tile is hand crafted, so every single piece is different. This was our first major tiling project and after renting a tile saw from Home Depot, it ended up being pretty easy project. We grouted with a very light gray, and beside the sink, I think that the backsplash ended up being my next favorite piece of the kitchen!
With the major components of our kitchen renovation done, we just needed to figure out two empty spaced in the space and how to utilize them best for storage. The first was right next to our pantry, where our bar cart and some decorative shelves had been living. We moved the bar cart, and decided to make the entire wall floating shelves. I knew that we desperately needed some more storage space for items in our pantry, so this open shelving was the solution! I bought some glass and acacia jars filled with baking supplies, pasta, and other often-used items. The uniformity of the jars makes such a statement and these shelves were really fun to style! Our next empty space was a gap beside our stove and countertop. This space used to house a doorway to pass through the kitchen to the front room. The former owners used that room as a formal dining room, but we felt it would be better used as a guest bedroom or an office, so we closed that opening off, and now had the dilemma of what to do with the space. We considered trying to fill it with cabinetry for more pantry storage, but weren’t able to find something that would fit the space exactly and match our existing cabinets. So, instead we moved a bar cart to this area with decorative shelving to match what we had built on the adjacent wall. I love that we got to keep a bar cart area and have a space to display some glassware that I love!
You’re probably wondering what more we could possibly do in one room, and the good news is that the rest was all detail work. We changed out the hardware on our cabinetry. We got a new kitchen runner (I chose a Loloi rug that leans heavily red because I thought it would compliment the green cabinets nicely) and added in some plants to the room as well! I love having the added greenery in there, and the rosemary sitting on our counter smells heavenly when i’m doing dishes. I got a few new items for the countertop since they’ll be seen all the time - including a new stainless steel toaster and two cruets. The rest of our decor is comprised of items we already owned.
All in all, it took us about a month to complete the renovation. We worked on evenings and weekends, and part of that time was spent waiting for orders to arrive, but our goal was to get it done before Thanksgiving, and we did successfully host our families on turkey day in our newly completed kitchen. To say that we are happy with the results is really an understatement! This renovation was a large undertaking for us, but walking into the room every day makes the hard work so worth it. Our first floor is pretty open, so having this space feel so much lighter and cohesive really helps elevate the entire floor. After purchasing a few extras, our total for the entire project came to just about $100 over our budget of $2000.
Now that the renovation is complete, most of our house projects are done! We have some plans for renovating our living room fireplace and adding a new light in that space. We also will eventually paint and change up some things in our powder bath on the first floor. As for the kitchen, the only thing we plan to do in the future is get a new stove to match our other stainless steel appliances. We’d like a gas stove and so will need to have a gas line run to that area as well. That one we will leave to the professionals.
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I hope that this walk through our new kitchen had been informative and inspirational! Please let me know if you have any questions about specifics, and be sure to join me on Instagram where you can find stories of our step by step renovations, including the entire kitchen! Thanks so much for being here and i’ll see you back here soon for more fun home projects!
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Saying Goodbye to 2020
Happy 2021, friends! I truly can’t believe January is here already. I know many have said it, but 2020 felt like both the longest and shortest year of my life. The days felt long, but it also seems that not that much happened. (Well, we bought a house. I guess that’s sort of a big thing. LOL) But, all of the little in between things: work, date nights, get togethers, dinners out, hugs from friends and family, and so much more, were slowed down or put on hold. Like many of you, i’m sure, I feel tired of talking about 2020 and all of the jokes and negativity that come with it, but I also know that we will look back at this strange time, and i’ll be glad that I was reflective - that I left proof of what it really felt like to live through. I recently read through some of my thoughts from this day last year, and was so struck by how different my mindset was. Last winter, I was in a deep deep depression, struggling with anxiety and insomnia, and felt completely aimless. I felt that my life had no direction, and it was something that ate away at me every day. I vowed to make 2020 “a year off” for me. To stop pushing myself or trying to find clarity about my life’s purpose amidst some really messy emotional stuff. Looking back, that decision seems to make so much sense, but I remember during that time it felt like I was maybe giving up a bit.
I’m proud that I really did kind of take a sabbatical in 2020. As I wrote last year, I “did my work, paid my bills, and left it at that”. What I couldn’t have predicated at that time was that I would basically be forced to do that anyway! When the shutdowns began in March, I honestly was already sort of locked down. Winter is aways difficult for me as I suffer from seasonal affective disorder, but this year the depression was much worse than my usual seasonal dreariness. Honestly, I had spent a lot of months in our apartment, and a lot of that time in bed. I didn’t read much, I wasn’t really very productive. I felt incredibly guilty and lazy at the time but, looking back now, I think that allowing myself some time to grieve and heal was much needed.
Because I entered 2020 with the intention to release some of the heavy expectations for myself, it was so much easier to deal with everything happening around me. Weddings got cancelled, and it felt like a relief to have less work to do. Plans and commitments got cancelled, and it felt like a relief to spend more time at home. Mark could be at home with me all the time, and we got to spend a lot of sweet moments together, just the two of us, during our first year of marriage. I dont want any of this to sound ignorant, because what has happened is truly horrible, and was so much worse for so many others than me. I wont pretend that a worldwide pandemic didn’t create anxiety and financial difficulty and loneliness and sorrow for me and so many in my life. I just want to always remember that there was a bright side too. I missed my Mom dearly, and worried about bills and plans for the future, and mourned for all of those who lost someone. But, during all of the chaos and pain, I also managed to get through the worst depressive episode of my life, and get a much better handle of my anxiety, and I wonder if that would’ve been possible if I hadn’t had the time and space to “take a year off”.
A few days ago, I did a photo dump on Instagram of some of my favorite little “in-between” memories of 2020. It was so special to look back on the year and realize that so many of the best moments of the year, and of my life, are those “in-between” moments. This year gave me the opportunity to find stillness and balance, and an ability to appreciate those moments so much more.
There are so many of those moments and feelings from 2020 that I hope I never forget: the amusement of watching little Frankie grow, and the laughs he gives us carrying toys twice his size around the house; the anticipation of waiting for baby birds to hatch from their eggs on our front porch, and then the pleasure of seeing them grow and learn to fly; the peace found from evening walks around the neighborhood while noticing the houses and plants and streets as they change day by day; the joy of many many belly laughs with Mark at the end of a difficult day; the contentment of caring for plants day after day and to be able to watch them bloom - of getting your hands dirty in the mud; the love from a hug with our family after months of quarantining; the sweetness and relief of hearing the words “that’s my beautiful daughter” when my Mom woke up from her first seizure and was asked “who is this?”; the warmth of a cat purring on your chest; the pride of walking into your first home after receiving the keys; the excitement of planning exactly how to make your house a home; the exhaustion from a day of hard work, and the satisfaction of seeing something you built come to life before you; the wonder of finally loving yourself more every time you look in the mirror. These are moments that I never want to let go.
Though i’m hesitant to broadcast it too loudly, there is so much I am hopeful for in this new year. Honestly, though, if it is full of as many small beautiful moments, and if I can hold onto the ability to appreciate those things in the face of adversity, I know that it will still be a wonderful year of life, to be treasured and held dear. That is all I can hope for, and it is what I hope for you too.
A Very Merry Pandemic Christmas!
Hi friends - just wanted to pop in quickly today to say Merry Christmas! We’ve already had a day full of festivities yesterday, and today we are welcoming Mark’s parents to our house for a few days. Though this year is strange, and a lot smaller than it normally would be, I hope you’re able to hold some people you love close, and cherish some quality time together. Have a very merry day - and i’ll see you in the new year!
You Are Always With Me
Eight years ago today - it was the last day of my winter semester. I dragged my feet heading home with my packed car because I knew that what awaited me was only a lot of sadness and pain. So I put on some of your favorite music and took a drive. When I finally walked through the door, Mom was ready to run out for a quick errand and I agreed to sit with you a while. I made my way up to my childhood bedroom - it had been transformed into a makeshift room for you, complete with hospital bed and oxygen tanks. The moment I walked in, I knew you were gone. You took your last breath on this Earth alone, amidst the in between, in the time it took for one person to walk down the stairs and one to walk up. When I realized, I sat down next to your body, in the rocking chair that you used to soothe me in as a baby. I didn’t scream or cry. I didn’t feel relief or overwhelming sadness right away. I just sat there for the time it took Mom to get home, trying to catch my breath, knowing that life would never be the same again. • I told Mark recently that what I felt most in the days after your death was anger - I was mad that everything kept going without you: the funeral came and went, the hospital bed and tanks went away, families celebrated Christmas, another semester started and then ended. Days and days have kept pounding on and they never stopped. I graduated college, met a man I love, got married. We bought a house with Mom, years have passed, and through it all, I’ve never really felt like I caught my breath. That’s the thing about grief: it has many waves and forms, but it never completely lets up. Life never goes back to what it was. But I see so much of you in others, and in the world, and in myself. And In that way, I know that you are always with me.
Winter Wonderland
I recently came across these shots of a cute outfit inspired by our wintery surroundings from a few winters ago, and was so inspired that I had to share! Often, I think that what I was wearing and owned only two or three years ago must be so outdated, but I would 100% wear every piece here again. Seeing these and our recent snowy days has me so excited to pull out my sweater and fuzzy coats. I truly think coats and jackets are my favorite items to shop for.
I can remember this night so clearly. We were doing a little date night - dinner, drinks, and then a movie. I remember having one too many drinks at dinner and then dying with Mark through the movie. I’m so glad that we still do that, just at home now (#pandemiclife). I haven’t done a great job of getting dressed or documenting my outfits when I do this year, but i’m determined to change that in 2021: I even have a fun little challenge for myself planned! I’m excited to share with you so soon.
And of course, it wouldn’t be an outfit post without a goofy picture of my Mark. I feel like we look so young here. So much has changed, and also, not so much. I guess that why a blog is so special: we can save all of these moments for later.
Year One: Reflections On Our First Year of Marriage
One year of marriage. It’s been a year we didn’t expect, that’s for sure. But, a year ago today, Mark and I were living out one of the best days of our lives. So much changed in our lives in this past year - we began living on lockdown and through a global pandemic, we went through ups and downs with work and finances because of said pandemic, we bought a house, and mostly we just spent a lot of time at home together loving each other and our little family. I went into marriage with little expectations. I knew that it would be hard, but that if it was right it would also be so worth it, and so far, that seems true. I’m not sure what I would’ve done without Mark this last year. Navigating such an anxiety-inducing world event would shake most people. Even though we were so lucky that a lot of aspects of our life didn’t change much, and we worried and struggled like most people. Having someone there for you to lean on during those moments is one of the immense benefits to marriage. We also learned this year that anxiety and events outside of our control can make our personal relationship more difficult. We both started therapy individually. We had lots of frustrating talks. But at the end of the year, I can say with pride that we used that frustration and struggle to make our relationship stronger. That’s the hard work, but i’m already learning that it’s so worth it.
Watching so much in our world fall apart, and having so much unknown only makes me stronger in my love, care, and respect for Mark. He’s such a calming presence when i’m weary. He’s hardworking and committed to the people he loves. He is the very best friend that i’ve ever had, and for that, I know we are truly lucky.
Happy Anniversary, babe. Here’s to about a million more.
Our New Home: Gathering Inspiration
Now that i’ve posted our big news about buying a house, I can finally share some of the inspiration i’ve been getting collecting! As always, I started on Pinterest, because otherwise I would be all over the place with links and screenshots and saved posts on Instagram! It’s been so fun to really dream up what we want our home to look like and, after living in a rental for so long, to have the freedom to do a lot of projects we’ve not been able to before. To say that we are ready to get our hands dirty and make some of our plans a reality is an understatement!
Beginning with general images that caught my eye and saving them altogether was super helpful for me - especially when we hadn’t landed on an exact house yet, because it allowed me to dream and not get too attached to certain houses before anything was finalized (though I still did my fair share of crying through the buying process LOL). I used those images to really hone in on specific styles, colors, and aspects of homes that I liked. Once we found our house and began the process of closing, I was able to reel in a lot of my ideas and pair down to what I felt would fit the space and what would actually be do-able within our budget. I’m really so excited about many aspects of the house we chose that are already reflected in the images I was inspired by - like a two story great room, and an open concept kitchen/living room. There’s also a really fun loft area that we have big plans for! I can’t wait!
I don’t like attaching labels to any project i’m taking on, but if I had to define the style we’re looking for in our new home it would be: bohemian, eclectic, and vintage, with a hint of coastal. Does that even make any sense? In any case, I want to stick to a lot of lights and neutrals, but not so much that it feels sterile or boring.
I’m interested in combining a lot of different textures: paneling, faux fur, ceramic, glass, and textured wood are a few that come to mind. I also want to experiment more in this home with mixing metals and woods within the same space!
As you can probably tell from these inspiration photos, we do already have some specific plans for parts of the house: a tranquil bedroom, and revamped green and white kitchen, a reading and working area in the loft, a cozy outdoor space, and an office and closet space for me (don’t worry Mark is getting the space of his dreams too!).
It’s going to be a lot of work and even more budgeting, but we can’t wait to take you along for the ride! Here’s hoping it doesn’t take us 5 years to finish!
One of the main priorities for me when both looking at houses to potentially buy and considering furnishing a home is light: as a creative person, and also someone who struggles with depression, I thrive on light. Even when on a tight budget and looking for an apartment to rent, i’ve always prioritized large windows with good light. My dream for our new space is for it to feel airy and light, super comfortable and welcoming, but also be a bit more sophisticated than what we’ve done in the past.
Another priority that I want to keep in mind is sustainability. Utilizing vintage stores and thrifting, as well as apps like Facebook Marketplace and Mercari to find secondhand furniture and decor will be helpful on our wallets, and the planet, and I think always make spaces more interesting than just buying everything new! Doing projects ourselves and re-inventing old pieces will also be a huge part of sustainability for us, and is probably the part of furnishing our home that i’m most looking forward to!
One last main priority is organization! I am sort of a weirdo when it comes to being organized, but I have big hopes for this home. Having a bit more space means that we can really make an effort to have what we own be presented and stored in a way that makes it easier to access, use, and enjoy. In my opinion, this also helps cut down on waste and on unnecessary buying. When I have all of these things that I already own and love, right in front of me, it’s easier to appreciate and utilize.
We Bought A House!
I still can’t really believe i’m writing this but…big news: we bought a house! How crazy is that? We closed last week, and officially got the keys today. We began moving some small things in already, but will be doing all of the moving this weekend.
When this year began, I really did not believe we would be buying a house this year. Especially when the pandemic hit in March, it just felt like most things were going to be on hold this year. Then, in May, when my Mom had a seizure, our perspectives started to shift a bit. Soon after my Mom had gotten home and recovered, we began seriously discussing the idea of purchasing a home together. At first, I think we were all a little nervous about the idea - I mean, buying a house with a parent less than a year after your wedding is not the norm for most. After a lot of discussion though, we all three agreed that this would be a mutually beneficial and smart choice moving forward. It’s something that Mark and my Mom had always talked about doing down the road anyway. Mark and I have agreed that we want our parents to be close as they age and as we (hopefully) have children in the future. Our grandparents were a large part of our lives growing up, and we want nothing less for our children! With my Moms health, and the pandemic making everything more difficult, and so much uncertainty with my career currently, this step definitely feels like the right decision!
When we first began looking for homes a few months ago, a few things became apparent quickly. #1 Looking for a home in a pandemic was going to bring unexpected challenges. The market was very busy in our area, despite the circumstances, maybe even more so than in a non-pandemic time. #2 The layout of home that we needed for everyone’s privacy and so that we could all feel comfortable was going to be difficult to find, so we would have to be more flexible about other factors like price and area. #3 Buying a home is hard! Period.
Luckily, we hired such a great realtor who was able to help us every step of the way and teach us so much as we went along. We actually ended up working with Ian Nelson, who is someone I went to High School with! I knew from connecting with him on social media that he was a realtor, and he always seemed so friendly, knowledgable, and on top of things. He ended up being such a godsend, and even though we put in offers on four different houses, by the time we got to “our” house, we had experienced enough and learned enough from Ian to make and offer that would get us the house. And it worked! If you’re someone familiar with real estate, we ended up offering over asking a bit, waiving remedy, and offering an appraisal gap as well. The appraisal came back much lower than even asking though (this was the most stressful part, as the sellers could’ve chosen to back out of the deal at this point), so while we did end up paying the appraisal gap, we didn’t pay what we initially offered. The owners of the house were moving to a different state, and so were looking for buyers who could be flexible about move in date, and also were not looking to do a bunch of work. Our flexibility and creativity with our offer ended up working out for us and we were accepted the day after putting in our offer, beating our multiple other offers. My best advice for home buying is to find a realtor who is quick, dedicated, and willing to think out of the box. If you’re in the central Ohio area, I highly recommend Ian Nelson with EXP Realty.
Our new home is about 25 minutes outside of the city in a little suburb of Columbus. It’s a quiet, residential neighborhood with a winding, wooded entrance and communal pond. The house is three bedrooms, 2.5 baths with a huge two story great room, and lots of big windows and great light. There’s a loft are that we’re planning to make into a reading area and a huge basement with a finished room that has already been designated as Mark’s are for working, playing music, and watching movies. My Mom’s master bedroom is on the first floor with a walk in closet and bathroom. We have the entire second floor, and plenty of room and privacy. We’re planning on making a room on the first floor into a spare bedroom for guests, and the second bedroom on the second floor will be for my office and walk in closet! There’s a pretty big back yard with a patio, and a big beautiful front porch. The house was built around 2006, so it’s fairly new, but we still definitely have lots of projects in mind for making it “ours”.
I can’t wait to get moved in and to make this house a home. I get teary-eyed thinking about all of the wonderful memories we will make here - birthdays, holidays, dinner parties, and fires out back. Maybe in a few years the patter of little feet. I’ve already got so many ideas for DIYs, decor, and fun gatherings with our friends and families as soon as this pandemic is over!
I’m so thankful that you’re following along with my story, especially during big life moments like this. I’ll be sure to keep you updated here and on Instagram about our progress, and as always, will be honest about navigating life with my Mom and Mark - and making it all work under one roof!
You Are
This post was written in Spring of 2015, shortly after I graduated from college. It resonated with me today, and I hope it will with you too.
"You are nature. You are perfect, peaceful, and powerful. You don't need to become anything. Just remember who you are..."
This little note was written on a valentine that I received from a co-worker last month. She barely knows me, but she's also the sort of person blessed with an intuitive spirit. You know, that sort of person who you feel instantly naked in front of, who seems to be able to peek inside of your soul? She is a powerhouse of a woman, firm and fierce and ultimately comfortable in her own skin; and the moment that I met her, I knew she would change my life.
She probably has no idea. How could she possibly know that in this moment of my life's story I so desperately needed to hear those words? She probably doesn't know that i've been carrying that scrap of paper around in my purse. Sometimes in my pocket. Everywhere that I go. That i've memorized every word. That I could recreate every inch of the intricate patterned heart that she drew out for me. How could she know?
Those words ring in my head all day long: I don't need to become anything? Wasn't that what all of this was about: becoming something, becoming somebody?
I know now that her quote was altered a bit from one Vironika Tugaleva, a Ukranian author and spiritual philosopher. A cultivator of self-love and mental health and unleashing of inner potential. I like my co-workers' version better. It snakes around in her hand-drawn heart and ends up back at the beginning. "Just remember who you are...nature. You are perfect.". I'm starting to remember who I am. I am remembering that I am nature.
I don't feel natural lately. I think that I have art school to blame partly for that. I have myself partly to blame for it too, but it feels better to blame an institution. I spent three and a half years learning a lot of wonderful, life-affirming lessons; about the power of art and the artist and about what I could do with my hands and my mind and sometimes a black mechanical box called a camera. But I also learned about competition and comparison and greed and hunger and power. Art can give you power. It can make you feel powerless too.
I am only two months out of undergrad, but I can tell you this: the hard part about being an "artist" is not the being consistently broke, or the living with your mom, or the late nights, or the callouses, or the starting over when it's not quite right. The hard part is the power. When you don't have it. Sometimes when you do. I think that i'm learning the key: to place the power in your own creativity. It's tricky and I feel certain when I say that this is something most "artists" are never able to do. It's definitely not something that current, post-grad me can do.
Post-grad me feels crumpled. Clobbered by my complete loss of power. Laid low by rejection and fear and realization. But there are tiny cracks, a few moments in the last weeks, days, hours, where a bit of truth shines through. Where my creativity takes over and i'm able, for that short period of time, to take the control back; to have the power. I can feel it in brushstrokes, in the tune of a favorite song, in these words that I write to you.
I am so far from figuring it out. I know now deep down that I will never quite figure it all out.
I hope that I never fool myself into thinking that I do.
If you are reading this today and you feel powerless, or lost, here is my (admittedly late) valentine to you:
Just remember, you are (perfect, peaceful, powerful). You so are.
Our Honeymoon in Barbados
Today I really really wish that I was sitting on a beach sipping a strawberry daiquiri (instead of in gloomy Ohio), so I figured that it was a good time to finally recap our honeymoon in Barbados last October!
Mark and I left two days after our wedding - we headed to Miami first and then transferred to a flight to Barbados. The travel wasn’t too bad - if i’m remembering correctly it took us about seven or eight hours in all. We booked our honeymoon through Sandals - and stayed at the Sandals Royal Barbados. I’ll share more thoughts on staying at an all-inclusive resort like Sandals later in this post, but honestly - Barbados was so incredibly beautiful! Traveling there in October was perfect, and part of the reason we chose the country was because of an almost guarantee of good weather during that time of year there. We were met in the Barbados airport with free drinks, live music, and a sunny warm day. I will never forget the energy that the people of Barbados had, and how much of a warm welcome they gave us and all of the other travelers.
We arrived at the resort by bus, were immediately handed MORE drinks, and shown to our room. We decided to splurge a little on our room and got a ground floor level suite with a walk out pool - and man, am I so glad we did! The resort was really breathtaking - beautiful flowers and plants everywhere, and the layout was easy to navigate but also lended itself to a lot of privacy, which we really appreciated. One of our other reasons for choosing Barbados and was because we knew we wanted to try a Sandals resort, and in this country, there are basically two resorts in one: Sandals and Sandals Royal. Royal is a bit pricier, with larger and newer rooms that have a bit more privacy. The great part about the two being right next to each other is that you get twice the number of restaurants to eat at, and twice the amount of pools, beach space, activities, and events. Like I mentioned before, Sandals is an all-inclusive resort, which meant that all of our food, beverages - everything was included! We didn’t need to leave the resort and except for one snorkeling excursion, we didn’t!
Normally, Mark and I are not the type of people who want to stay on a resort the entire time when we’re traveling. If we are going to a new place, we want to experience the entire culture and not have a censored experience. However, after talking about it a bit, we knew that if we were going to travel immediately after our wedding, we were going to do it with relaxation in mind. We wanted it to be as stress free and fun as possible. Relieving the responsibilities on planning out days of activities and transportation and restaurants was such a great decision. Instead, we got to spend most of our time at the beach, in the pool, and could eat, drink, nap, and explore as we pleased.
Another key reason for splurging to upgrade our room was to have access to room service most of the time for no additional charge. If you are ever going to travel to Sandals location - I would highly suggest upgrading your room level so that you’re able to do that. There were also ever more expensive options to have a full time Butler, but we really didn’t feel a need for that. We did use the room service A LOT though, and that combined with our personal swim-up pool allowed us to spend a lot of time together alone, which was honestly so special, and an aspect of our honeymoon that I highly recommend to anyone. We also had a HUGE soaking tub on our patio, a table for outdoor dining, and in-pool lounge chairs. We definitely took advantage of all three - having breakfast on the patio via room service most mornings, reading and taking periodic dips throughout the days, and soaking in the tub in the evening. Honestly, i’ve never felt more bougie in my life, and I loved every minute of it.
The other place that we spent most of our time was at the swim up bar and pool located in the heart of the Royal Barbados complex. This pool was pretty quiet most of the time - there were always free chairs and space to stretch out, and the swim up bar was amazing! I think I drank my weight in strawberry daiquiris at this pool throughout the week. We also spent time at the beach, and took plenty of nice walks on the beach, but it was generally more crowded so we did spend a lot of time at pools as well.
Pretty much everywhere you looked on the property was gorgeous. I had so much fun photographing the beautiful tropical flowers and plants that we saw. It was just such a peaceful experience, and felt like we were on a totally different planet at times!
One of the most memorable experiences of our whole trip was our boat excursion. For about $100 USD per person we got to have a day of sailing, eating a traditional Barbados meal, and snorkeling with sea turtles and among shipwrecks. Snorkeling with sea turtles has been on my bucket list for years and it did not disappoint! The boat that we ended up on that day had three other couples - so only eight people in all. It ended up being super fun because the other couples were one other recently married couple (the were married the same day as us!), and two couples who had been married for years and years, celebrating their anniversary in Barbados. We all got along really well and enjoyed time together talking about our recent weddings, and getting advice from the older couples about making a marriage work. The captain and his first mate made us a meal themselves on the boat that we super delicious. We had limitless drinks and it was truly one of the best days of my life - spending the day sipping drinks on the boat and then snorkeling was just the right combination of exciting and relaxing!
Back at the resort, we spent most of our days taking it really slow - drinking and reading and swimming. Most nights though, we got dressed up and went to one of the many restaurants available to us at the resort. The food wasn’t earth-shattering or anything, but we didn’t have a bad meal, and there was a lot of variety to choose from! A few of the fancier places we made reservations at in advance (which was easier to do the higher your level of room) and the rest of the evenings we had no problem getting into some of the more casual restaurants. We ate at an Italian-themed place, a seafood restaurant, an English-style pub, Caribbean jerk chicken, and got pizza to take to our room one night too. My favorite place that we ate was the rooftop French bistro - it overlooked the ocean and was a perfect romantic dinner to end our last evening in Barbados.
There were so many restaurants on the resort that we didn’t get to try, namely the steakhouse that we couldn’t get reservations for. There was also an Indian place, a Japanese steakhouse, and much more. Every restaurant offered customized drinks, and three course meals. We most definitely did not go hungry while there. We also got to do some really fun activities when wanted: there was a bowling alley that we had a fun evening at, and Mark also taught me to play pool, which we ended up doing most nights to wind down our evenings. We even got to try jet-skiing on the ocean on day, which was terrifying was lots of fun. Not sure i’d do that on the ocean’s choppy waves again, but i’m glad we tried it out! We did notice that a lot of couples at the resort were there with friends, which I think would be super fun if you were taking a group vacation with only adults! For our honeymoon though, it was nice to have so much to do when we wanted to get out, but a lot of time for just the two of us as well!
Our Honeymoon ended up being the perfect relaxing week we had hoped and planned for. I’m not sure if we will take another vacation to an all-inclusive resort any time soon, but it was a great decision for this trip! It’s a time in my life i’ll never forget and I truly feel so lucky to have been able to take a luxurious trip like this right after having our dream wedding. We were so thankful to the Barbadian people for welcoming us so warmly into their country and allowing us to have such a relaxing and memorable experience! I hope you enjoyed re-living this trip with me through photos - especially these very cheesy ones that I made Mark take with me on the beach our last night. What a handsome guy my husband is!
Our Wedding - The Reception
As a way to finish out my series recapping our wedding day, I wanted to share a bit about our reception! A lot of the little details of planning went to this portion of the day, and it really turned out better than I ever could’ve imagined! It was the perfect way to end our special day.
Directly after our Ceremony, our guests were ushered to a cocktail hour on the back patio while we finished up taking photos and video. You will notice that some of the photos here are in the ballroom - I chose to include our pre-Ceremony cocktail hour photos here as well, mostly because it made the most sense. As guests arrived, they were greeted with champagne and music by the Bexley String Quarter, who played in the loft of the ballroom. We really wanted our guests to have time to have a drink and say hello to friends and family before beginning our Ceremony! At the post-Ceremony cocktail hour, they were able to enjoy our signature cocktails: French Seventy-Seven and a Gin and Tonic (our favorite drinks). This was also the time where they could view our seating chart - which we made ourselves (Mark crafted the pedestal, and I designed the banner), sign the guests book which was comprised of vintage Ohio postcards, and view our memory table, where we honored all of our family members who have passed and couldn’t be with us that day.
After the cocktail hour, guests found their seats in the sunroom. The table decor turned out beautifully, with florals and candlesticks from State & Arrow, glassware and silverware from Event Source Rentals, Menus custom made and printed by me, and to top it all off, beautiful hand-lettered name cards by Calligraphy by Keri.
Our sweetheart table for dinner was truly one of my favorite details of our wedding day. The gorgeous florals, candlesticks, and rented chairs from Lost and Found Vintage Rentals. One of my favorite touches were some special gold filigreed champagne glasses (from Anthropologie) and gold vintage goblets (from a vintage Etsy shop) that we used for drinks for the night for the two of us. We were able to keep those glasses, and I love seeing them on our bar cart every day, as a simple little reminder of our wedding. I also made a banner to hang above our sweetheart table, where we got to utilize the beautiful crest that my Maid of Honor, Hannah, designed for our invitation suite. I hope that we can find somewhere special to hang this banner in our future home!
During dinner, guests could also pick up their favors from our custom build board. We ordered these amazing vintage-inspired keychains imprinted with a quote from one of our readings. We really wanted to prioritize a favor that was fun, practical, and didn’t have our names or wedding date on them - so that they could be a reminder in people’s lives of our day and our love for them, without being too obvious that it was a wedding favor.
After dinner, my Mom and our bridesmaids and groomsmen gave Speeches, and we cried a whole lot! The words spoken by our best people that day are something that I will always hold close to me. We then entered an adjoining room to cut the cake that was so beautifully made by Miam Cakes. I adore her work, especially the sculpted flowers - plus, it was absolutely delicious! Atop our cake, sat two little golden vintage birds that we found at a flea market together. You might also notice those birds throughout our day - namely in our beautiful illustrated crest!
After cutting the cake, we headed to the ballroom for our first dance. Mark and I chose “Love Me Tender” by Elvis for our first dance. We have lots of songs that we’ve loved throughout our relationship together, but the simplicity and timelessness of “Love Me Tender” was what we decided we wanted to remember our day by.
Then - it was time to party! I bought some gold streamer cannons from amazon, and without me knowing, our planner had a couple of our guests poised to shoot the canons off directly after our dances, and it was one of the most fun moments of the evening - especially because most of us didn’t know it was coming! By the end of the evening, our cardboard cutout cat heads came out - this was our little symbolic way of having our kitties with us on our day.
In the ballroom, throughout the dancing and fun hung my favorite banner of the day, that read: “Love is the Ultimate Outlaw” - again from the Tom Robbins excerpt read at our Ceremony. This is another piece that I hope to have in our home someday!
About half an hour before our event ended, Mark and I said our goodbyes and headed to the rented vintage convertible that we rented as a getaway car. As we drove to the hotel, we were able to put the roof down and were so amazed at how clear the night sky full of stars was. We got to drive through the Ohio countryside, and soak in that moment, and chat about how wonderful our day had been. It’s something i’ll never have a photo or video of, but it was the perfect way to end the day, and is a memory I will cherish forever.
I’ve shared a lot of my thoughts on our wedding day, but overall, I just truly feel so blessed to have had such a dream of a day come to fruition. I know that I put in a lot of hard work and thought to our day, but so did so many others, and for that, I will be forever grateful. It wasn’t a “perfect” day by any means, but to me, it was perfect in its imperfections. Beyond all of the details and the pretty photos, it was a celebration of a relationship and a love that I wasn’t sure I would ever find. Being surrounded by the people I love most in the world, and basking in the joy of becoming a wife to my favorite person i’ve ever met is a feeling that I hope I never, ever forget.
Thanks for sticking around for all of these posts. If you’ve made it this far - please let me know what your favorite part of the day that I shared was! As always: feel free to reach out if you’re planning a wedding or have any questions for me!
Our Wedding - The Photos
Beautiful photos by Photography Anthology
Next up in my wedding recap series, I wanted to share with you some of our more formal photos from the day. We took most of our photos directly after our Ceremony, as Mark and I were really set on not seeing each other until we walked down the aisle. One of the most fun parts of our day was coming around the front of the venue after our Ceremony to this gorgeous rental getaway convertible. We were able to take some photos with it - the perfect vintage prop - but we also used it as a getaway car to the hotel at the end of the night. Mark and I both agree that driving through the countryside that night with the top down and a million stars gleaming was the most amazing way to end the day!
We also took some formal family and friend photos in front of our Ceremony site during this time too. I’m so pleased that the weather cooperated and that we were able to do all of this outside that day. I just love the background of the tree and flowers in these photos and the beautiful leaves on the ground!
Mark and his groomsmen took photos separately before the Ceremony. How handsome does Mark look in his green velvet tux against this crazy orange tree! These are some of my favorite photos of the day!
My bridesmaids and I did the same before the Ceremony - Mark was sequestered to his get-ready room and we roamed the mansion to get some photos. I am so pleased that we took a moment to get a photo of me in front of this huge beautiful window in the ballroom.
At the end of our photo-taking, Mark and I got to spend some time just the two of us. The light was so great, the air was crisp, and I wont lie: I cried a bit while we were walking around taking these photos - mostly because I just felt so much joy in that moment!
Our photographer and videographer did such an amazing job, not just with the two of us, but the entire day. I can’t wait to get our full wedding film back to share with you all!
After our photo and video session, we headed into our Reception to party with all of our people. A recap on that coming soon!
Our Wedding - The Ceremony
Beautiful photos by Photography Anthology.
I’m back today with the next post in my wedding recap series, which is our beautiful outdoor fall Ceremony. I know that it probably sounds pretty obvious, but the Ceremony was truly my favorite part of our wedding day. From walking down the aisle to Mark, to our first kiss as husband and wife, it truly felt like magic.
All of the details for our Ceremony were very special to us. We saved a seat for my Dad in the front row, Mark made our aisle pillars by hand, and I designed, printed, and assembled all of the Ceremony programs. I’ve always loved the movie Forrest Gump, and especially the scene where Jenny and Forrest get married, so getting married outside under a big oak tree was really a dream for me. Not to mention, our florist, State and Arrow, did such a beautiful job on the flowers - every detail really felt perfect!
We hired the Bexley String Quartet to play both the pre-wedding cocktail hour (which was hosted in the ballroom) and then to serenade guests before and during the Ceremony. We were even able to commission them to learn a few special songs just for our day that weren’t already in their repertoire. I walked down the aisle to a string version of my all-time favorite song: “Do You Realize” by The Flaming Lips.
Having my Mom walk me down the aisle was such a special part of the day. Ever since my Dad passed away in 2012, I wasn’t sure what I would do if I got married one day. I considered just coming down the aisle myself, but this decision felt right, and helped me feel like both my Mom and Dad could be with me in that moment.
Our wonderful friend Marla was our officiant. It was only her second time officiating a wedding, but she did a wonderful job, and it was so incredibly special to have to do it for us. Marla and Mark have been good friends since college, have lived together, and been close for a long time. From the moment Mark and I began dating, Marla had been welcoming and warm to me, and i’m so glad that I can call her a dear friend now, too.
My nephew Daniel and Maid of Honor Hannah both gave readings for us. Daniel read an excerpt from one of our favorite books, Tom Robbins’ Still Life With Woodpecker. Hannah read the poem I Carry Your Heart With Me by E.E. Cummings. Mark and I picked out the readings together, and they’re words we will always hold dear.
Mark and I read our own personal vows that we wrote. It was hard to get through without sobbing, but was my very favorite part of the Ceremony and the day. The words Mark spoke to me that day will always be so so special to me.
Next came the rings and then….the kiss!
Our Ceremony was short and sweet, but everything we both ever wanted. I’ve been witness to so many wedding Ceremonies over the years, but it was truly surreal to be with my person, surrounded by all of our friends and family. That twenty minutes will always have a special place in my heart.
Our Wedding - Getting Ready
As promised, i’m back today to take you through our wedding day step by step. The first part of our day was, of course, getting ready. We both were able to get dressed and spend time with our friends and families in separate rooms at the venue itself. The guys spent the morning drinking whiskey, hanging out, and then eventually beginning to get dressed. Mark was joined by his groomsmen Dave, Joe, Brian, and his Dad Ray.
We chose a dark green velvet jacket for Mark’s tux, and the rest of the guys rented black tuxes from The Black Tux. They were able to order the rentals themselves online and return a few days after the wedding. It wasn’t the most seamless process, but everything turned out alright, and I think they all looked amazing!
The girls got to the venue bright and early to begin hair and makeup. I was joined by my bridesmaids Hannah and Elle, as well and my Mom, Peggy, and later Mark’s Mom Jan and Sister Lynn. Mark’s Mom made this beautiful wreath for my bridal shower, so I saved it and brought it for the wedding day as well! I especially love that she added the antique metal “19” we found earlier in the year while at a vintage shop together.
This time of the day was so much fun, but also full of so much anticipation. We got to have a few mimosas, get pampered a little bit, and listen to music. Mark and I both agreed that we weren’t very nervous at this point, but eager to see each other.
Mark and I both picked out special gifts to give our Mothers on our wedding days. I got my Mom a pair of earrings for the day, and a keepsake handkerchief the read “ I will always be your little girl. -Beth”. Mark picked out a similar handkerchief and I got his Mom an ornament with a sentimental message about her son.
Before I knew, it was time to get dressed! My Mom and bridesmaids helped me, and once I had everything on, things started to feel real! I even shared a few tears with my Mom - it was such a special moment, and one I know we will both always treasure. I’m so glad that she got to be such a big part of my wedding day.
After we were both dressed, Mark and I had a letter and gift exchange while shielded from seeing each other. If you decide not to do a first look - I highly suggest doing something like this! I wanted to see and hug Mark so badly, that I almost decided to just see him right then, but just a squeeze of his hand and some sweet words were enough to calm me. I’m so incredibly glad that we decided to wait to see each other down the aisle but…more on that later.
Mark got me some stacking wedding bands that I had been eyeing for future anniversaries, to add to my band after the Ceremony. I got him a fancy gold watch to complete his outfit. The letters we wrote are so special, and I just know that we will always cherish having those. Even though we also wrote vows for each other, having personal letters where we could be a bit goofier and more personal was fun too.
Next up i’ll take you through our special Ceremony - so keep an eye out for most posts!
Our Wedding Invitation Suite
Beautiful photos by our wonderful photographer Photography Anthology
Hi friends- i’m here today with another post in my series recapping our wedding day! I’m sharing with you all of the details of our day, down to the nitty gritty, my reflections on the entire experience. Today, i’m so excited to take you through the process of creating one of my favorite elements of our wedding - our invitation suite!
Like I mentioned in my previous post about our Save the Dates - this element of our wedding is significant to me, not only because of all of the hard work that went into it (from many people), but also because it was designed with the help of my best friend and maid of honor, Hannah. She is so exceptionally talented, and though wedding invitations aren’t her usual medium, i’m so happy that she agreed to work with me on these, and even more thankful that her designs were given as a wedding present to us! (You can check out Hannah’s whimsical illustrations on her site here: hannahbessross.com. She even has a store where you can purchase prints and various other handmade goods!)
Hannah and I began the process by gathering inspiration. I made a private pinterest board and invited her to it. This ended up being one of the best decisions of the process, because we could remotely gather ideas, pull elements from other suites we loved, and communicate about every little detail, all while living in different states! I knew right away that I wanted a custom crest illustration that could be used throughout the suite. Hannah used inspiration from other wedding details, and from our story together to create the crest. One our Save the Dates, she illustrated two little love birds at the very top of our crest that were based on the gold metal birds we used for our cake topper (and now use as decor in our home!). She used florals and greenery that we knew would be reflected in our florals for the day, specifically lilies and phlox - that area very sentimental and special to both me and Mark. A version of the crest and other illustrations were used on each part of our suite.
Hannah also created an illustration of our venue, The Beverly Mansion for inside of the main envelope. I had seen others do this something similar to this, but never in this style and I really love the way that it turned out!
Once I knew that Hannah’s illustrations were going to be a focal point for the suite, I was able to decide on a simple, elegant layout for the informative text. I searched around for the perfect corresponding fonts, and ended up using two that I licensed from Creative Market. The next part was honestly the most difficult for me, as I had to figure out what wording we wanted to use (there are so many different options out there!) and how to lay out all of the information in a way that was both easy to understand and aesthetically pleasing. While I did most of the grunt work, it was so great to have Hannah to look things over and make edits and suggestions - especially since I don’t have much experience with designing with text in this way.
Once all of the elements of the suite were designed, I had them printed by the wonderful Alaina of CheerUp Press. This was sort of a last minute decision, as I was originally planning to print these myself, but decided that the extra cost of letterpress and a nice, thick, beautiful paper was worth it! Although it ended up being a bit more costly than i’d originally thought, I’m so glad that we went through with it, because the quality, dimension and texture really made all of the difference in person! Alaina is such a talented designer and creative - so if you’re looking for someone to work with whether it be printing or a full suite design (even non-wedding related projects) i’d highly recommend her services.
The last element of our invitations were the envelopes. I always knew that I wanted hand-lettered elements for my wedding day, so we worked with Kerry of Calligraphy by Keri to do both our Save the Date and Invitation envelope addressing, as well as our place cards for the reception. I was looking for more of a timeless style of lettering, and Keri specializes in those more traditional techniques. She did such a beautiful job, and is an amazing person - she definitely became a friend during the process, and is someone i’ll always be glad my path crossed with.
The envelopes themselves were ordered from LCI Paper - specifically the Merlot color with Euroflap in size A9 for the Save the Dates, and A7 for the invitations. When looking for envelopes, they were definitely the company with the most colors to choose from! Before printing, Alaina was able to color match perfectly with LCI to make sure our ink and envelopes matched!
Last but not least is one of my very favorite details: vintage stamps! Though it did take me a bit of time and a few trips to the post office to figure out exactly how many stamps I needed per envelope to get each item shipped, it ended up being such a special touch. I spent a couple of evenings searching for the perfect stamps for our invites, and ended up buying the vast majority from Vintage Postage Shop. If you’re looking for vintage stamps of any kind- Etsy is going to be your best friend! I chose each of the the stamps myself, but many Etsy sellers will help you curate stamps for any project you’re working on! This is one of those things for our wedding that it seemed like no one understood my obsession with when I first explained the idea but everyone loved when everything was together!
The process of designing and compiling all of the elements of our wedding invitations was admittedly one of the more challenging elements of planning our wedding - but it’s also one of the parts that I will treasure forever, because I know how much hard work went into them from both myself, and my many talented helpers! There are so many easier routes to go when deciding on wedding invitations but, if you’re creatively inclined like I am, I encourage you to consider doing some of it yourself - not only does it help cut costs, but it makes those details that much more special after all is said and done!
Our Wedding - The Details
Flowers via State & Arrow / Chair Via Lost & Found Vintage Rentals / Veil - Custom Made
Well, friends, the wedding is over. The cookies have been eaten eaten, the sentimental bits are stored away, the photos are back, and we are (almost) recovered from our honeymoon, so today I wanted to begin a series recapping our amazing day beginning with the details of course! I’m most definitely biased because i’m the one who picked out most of these details, but I felt like all of the thought and effort that went into really added something special to our day. We didn’t just buy accessories or decor to have it, but we worked hard to carefully chose items that we wanted to have in our lives, forever.
I am so so in love with my wedding dress! To the point that I feel a bit sad I wont ever get to wear it again. I told Mark the other day that I might just have to put it on now and again for fun. Though it turned out to be everything I wanted, the journey to get to this dress was a little stressful. Believe it or not - many wedding dress shops do not have very many plus size dresses in store to try on. I went to a few - but they just didn’t have exactly what I wanted. I tried my best to keep an open mind though- and I did try on a lot of beautiful dresses, but I kept going back to a dress I had pinned right after we got engaged. It had blush undertones and a beautiful 3D floral applique detail and romantic off the shoulder “sleeves”. I kept thinking about this dress that I just decided to see if I could track it down within driving distance. I found the designer, and a shop that carried his line in store about an hour and a half away from me. The only catch was that they didn’t keep this particular style in store. So - my Mom and I made the drive down, the shopkeeper took my measurements, I tried on a few similar dresses by the designer, and long story short: I ordered my dress without ever trying it on. Talk about stressful! But - it was the best decision ever! It fit so well and only needed a few small alterations. When it comes to wedding dresses, people have a lot of opinions but here’s mine: just trust your gut. Sometimes you know even from just a photo or two!
One of the most enjoyable parts of wedding planning for me was choosing my day of accessories. I really kind of went all out - but I did a lot of research. I made a mood board with ALL my dress and all of my details on it before I ordered any of it, just to ensure I liked it all together. The only item that I wasn’t sure about was my garter - so the week before, I chose to add some gold embellished pieces that I took from a hair piece i’d decided not to wear - and it ended up being one of my favorite accessories!
We knew early on that we wanted to share personal vows during our Ceremony, but I went back and forth over whether or not having vow books would be worth the cost. I am SO HAPPY that we chose to add this small detail, because not only were they so special to have on the day of, but now they are one of the keepsakes I will treasure forever. To have our vows to each other written in our own handwriting is really so, so special. We also love the flasks we got for our wedding and use those from time to time as well. I wanted to get a little gift pre-wedding for Mark to add a little bit of spice to his outfit, and these beautiful vintage French cufflinks were just the right thing!
I knew that I was going to need some flat shoes for our Reception - and boy am I glad that I had some! I actually changed out of my heels directly after the Ceremony because my feet were going numb. That’s what I get for not breaking in my shoes before the wedding! I also wanted to make sure that I had a jacket because in October in Ohio, its likely to get chilly in the evening. It was so nice to have this as an option, and we got some pretty cute photos with it at the end of the evening too! To make the jacket - I just found something that I thought would fit our color scheme/theme and purchased a customized iron on patch from an Etsy shop! The patch didn’t stay on very well after the wedding, but I still have the jacket- and all of the photos to remember how special it was!
Last but not least is a detail that I didn’t pick out at all, but that was one of my very favorite parts of my day! My Mom gave me this beautiful locket at my first bridal shower with photos of my late Father and Grandmother - so that they could be with me all day. We chose to add it, along with a ring of my Dads, to my beautiful bouquet.
There are plenty more photos and details to come soon! I hope that this post helped inspire you if you’re currently planning a wedding. At the end of the day, it’s really not about any of the “stuff” but picking out details you love sure can add some sentimental value to your day!
Just Listen
“A long long time ago…
I can still remember
How that music used to make me smile.
And I knew if I had my chance
That I could make those people dance
And, maybe, they’d be happy for a while…”
When I was a small girl, I believed wholeheartedly that I would one day grow up to be a singer. This is the only thing I can remember ever dreaming of; not of being a wife or a mother, an nurse, or a teacher. Not even of being famous. I just wanted to sing. Childhood dreams don't often pan out though , and these days I only give private concerts for one inside my car. Music is sacred to me. The realization that I wanted to keep that to myself was one of the first hard and fast lessons of my adolescence.
I still get the questions, and each time it will breaks my heart– are you still singing? why didn’t you pursue it? How do people expect me to answer questions like that? I want to tell them to mind their own business.
The truth is, music does something for me that nothing else in life can do. It connects me to moments gone and people that i've lost. I can close my eyes and just listen:
“Did you write the book of love,
And do you have faith in God above,
If the Bible tells you so?
Do you believe in rock ‘n roll,
Can music save your mortal soul,
And can you teach me how to dance real slow…”
I’m on my way to work, i’m listening to the oldies station, and Don McClean comes on the radio.
It takes me instantly to the back seat of a purple mini-van, hip to hip with my childhood best friend, the first person outside of my family that I ever loved. We know every third word, but man do we love crooning along. Our other favorite song to sing is My Heart Will Go On by Celine Dion. My mouth is sticky sweet. Our tongues and lips and teeth are stained dark blue. Her smile is a mile wide. That smile used to light up my life. I haven’t seen it in a long, long time.
I didn’t know until recently that Don McClean’s song American Pie is actually about Buddy Holly; about his death, and the subsequent supposed death of music. There are websites where you can find each line analyzed, and it really makes a lot more sense that way. The Beatles and Janis Joplin and Mick Jagger all make appearances. Don McClean loved good music. It was sacred to him the way it’s sacred to me. Who would’ve known.
“Well I know that you’re in love with him
‘Cause I saw you dancin’ in the gym
You both kicked off your shoes
Man I dig those rhythm and blues…”
It takes me now to a smokey wood shop, a glorified shed really, filled to the brim with walnut and cherry. There are safety goggles and many many Marlboros and the incessant sound of a table saw. There’s a radio older than me in the corner and when this song comes on, it’s turned up as loud as it will go. We’re singing loudly now, our lungs fill up with air and sawdust on the off beats. I still don’t know all of the words, but that doesn’t matter. I tap my foot just like him on the blue floorboards.
“But I knew I was out of luck
the day the music died”
Like most people, I find it really hard to talk about cancer.
I know cancer well. I’ve heard a lot about it a lot and learned a bit about it and watched people I love suffer through it. Yet, I still don’t know what to say to other people about it. I still don’t know what the right thing is to say to someone with cancer. What’s worse is that I still don’t know what to tell myself about it. I’m not sure how much I’m allowed to talk about it, or when it’s appropriate to bring it up, and whenever new people come into my life, its always in the back of my mind, anxious thoughts about when and how and if they’ll find out.
True, we are all able to talk about cancer in particular terms. We can define it medically. We can quantify it in percentages. We can discuss death rates and grasp at timelines. We can diagnose until we run out of breath. But can we really talk about cancer?
The last month I’ve woken up every day and pinched myself. The diagnosis and the doctor’s visits and the chemotherapy. I can’t believe any of it, but I take every day as it comes; with anger and confusion and pain and doubt: Am I still doing this wrong? Are we, as a family, still doing this wrong? We cant control cancer, we've learned that much, but I have to think that maybe we're not very good at talking about cancer. About the things that matter. I’m not very good at saying the things I need to say.
“And in the streets: the children screamed,
The lovers cried, and the poets dreamed.
But not a word was spoken;
The church bells all were broken.
And the three men I admire most:
The father, son, and the holy ghost,
They caught the last train for the coast
The day the music died…”
It takes me to my hometown, on the street, right in front of Town Hall, where Waterloo and High intersect. Dusk is upon the crowd and late summer is settling into all of our bones. The music blares over loud speakers, and the air smells sweet and fried. It’s my favorite three days of the year. I am eating infinite amounts of food on sticks, and beating my mom at skeeball and dancing in the streets with a crown on my head. My daddy picks me up in his arms because the song is ending now. He has on his straw hat and his Stetson original cologne and while we rock back and forth, he whispers the words in my tiny ear:
“And they were singing,
bye-bye, Miss American Pie.
Drove my chevy to the levee,
But the levee was dry.
And them good old boys were drinkin’ whiskey and rye
Singin’, this’ll be the day that I die.
this’ll be the day that I die….”
I will always have regret, things left unsaid. I will always wish that I’d given those I’ve lost experiences or songs or days that I cannot. And I wonder if other families, if even my own family, feel like they need a lesson in this too? A lesson in talking?
I think that maybe it goes a little like this:
“I love you.”
“I’m sorry this is happening.”
“I will keep you in my heart always.”
I think it’s about making memories while you can, and also letting them be alone when they want to be. I think it’s a little bit different for everyone. For me it’s about listening to music. About reaching backwards in time through a song. So, I’ll ask him what song he wants to listen to today, and instead of talking, we’ll just listen:
“And them good old boys were drinkin’ whiskey and rye
Singing’, this’ll be the day that I die…”
*This piece was originally posted on my previous blog, Bloomuhble, in June of 2015.
Read: Habibi by Craig Thompson
My first book read of 2020. I decided to start out with a graphic novel because they’re generally easy, fun, and quick reads. So even though this is a monster of a book, I was able to finish in two evenings. I’d read Craig Thompson’s Blankets in college - it was one of the first graphic novels I’d ever read and it was a transformative book for me. After that I read a few other of his novels, and bought this one, but it’s been just sitting on my shelf ever since. I think Habibi is pretty well known for it gorgeous pages. The illustrations are truly beautiful, and the layouts and storylines are uniquely and wonderfully woven. However, where the book falls flat for me is in the content of the stories themselves. It’s a beautiful tale of love in many respects, that’s for sure, but the over-sexualization of characters and excessive use of rape for the purpose of what feels a bit too close to eroticism are problematic for me. I know that many would disagree with me and that a lot of these elements are used in an attempt to depict realities of the lives of these characters. The troubles they face are critical to the storyline, and, considering that Thompson spent six years researching for this book, presumably accurate to what life was like at this place and time, but I felt that the sexual coercion of the book wasn’t used with mindfulness that it deserves. The other aspect of the book that I take a little bit of issue with is that it’s a Orientalist book about Islam and female sex work and transgenderism and poverty by.....a white heterosexual American male. Something about that just, feels wrong? No matter the amount of research, some stories just aren’t ours to tell. And I know that there are many readers out there that will disagree with me about this, but the discomfort of that contrast haunted me throughout the book. What DID I enjoy? Well, I loved learning more about Islam, reading passages of the Quran, and the way Thompson juxtaposes stories from the Quran from the Old Testament of the Bible. As someone raised in Christianity, but no longer a practicing Christian, the idea of religious stories used as just...stories was refreshing. Overall, it was a relatively enjoyable novel to read, and I’m glad that I could finally mark it off of my list. If anything, it reminded me of why I want to read more books from women and people of color, and why I love Blankets so much more!
Hello 2020
The past decade brought a lot of happiness and accomplishment and growth, but also, of course, a lot of difficult times. I’m feeling ready to leave 2019 in the past. I’m ready to leave the painful parts of the last 10 years behind me. I know it’s so cliche but I love the new year. I love fresh starts. I feel excited and hopeful to start a new decade with my husband (!!!) and to reset. I’ve been thinking a lot about the past 10 years and realized that a lot of it has been struggle. Jumping from one thing to another to another to try figure out my place in the world or to move up some metaphoric ladder - to make more money or accomplish the next big goal or establish myself in some way. Ive declared for myself that in 2020 I’m going to be a “taking a year off”. I guess kind of like a sabbatical. I’m going to take time to just be a human being. To do the things I enjoy doing just because I enjoy doing them. To do my work and pay my bills and leave it at that. To stop worrying about goals and more about figuring some things out for myself. To try to figure out what happiness is beyond lifelong to do lists and constant comparison and achievement. Making this decision was the most freeing thing I’ve done for myself, maybe ever. I’m excited to see what “taking a year off” will bring and I feel hopeful for the first time in a long time. ✨ I hope that the new year brings you happiness and growth and all of the best things that life can bring. I hope we all have the courage to make the changes in ourselves to help make our lives and the world a little bit brighter.
Our Wedding Film
Loooong time, no talk, huh? Things have been so busy since our wedding, that I haven’t really had time to post much here, but i’m excited to being sharing all about our day here. Mark and I recently got our full wedding films back, so I wanted to start by sharing that with you today. As a wedding filmmaker myself, I had really high expectations for our film. Well, Evan at Livemore Weddings knocked it completely out of the park. We loved our sneak peak so much, so I knew that this video would be killer too, but it still ended up being beyond any expectations. We’ve watched the film multiple times already, and i’m still pinching myself that THIS IS MY WEDDING! Truly, a huge thanks to Evan - what a beautiful keepsake he has created for us to treasure the rest of our lives. I hope you enjoy viewing the film, and if you’re looking for a videographer, be sure to check out Evan’s other work.